The Anthony Effect

11/10/09

I heard the beep from my Blackberry while chopping tomatoes for my salad. The sudden noise snapped me out my daze and I immediately pushed the track ball twice to reveal the contents of my mailbox. It was his reply text. Lorenzo's reply text! And in it he had asked me out. I replied with an earnest yes. Two more text messages later and we had finalized the details for our next encounter.

We met for a late dinner on a chilly Thursday night. I was a little nervous. It had been a while since I'd been on a date. Also, I couldn't help but think about my past patterns. The murky middle between just meeting a guy and ending up in a relationship had always been the area where I struggled. However, I had fully committed to being a new me. So with a sweep of lip gloss and a fluff of my hair, I was on my way.

The first half hour was great. We talked about our days and what was going on in the world. However, as our conversation transitioned into our interests, I began to realize that we didn't have as much in common as I initially thought. As more than a few awkward lulls popped into the conversation, I began to wonder how much further I would pursue this. Then, like magic, we found ourselves overlapping and on the same page again. Maybe I should give it a chance, I thought.

I engaged in this internal debate as we left our dinner spot and went elsewhere for a post dinner drink. As we walked (and my mind continued to race), I wondered if maybe this was just a case of the Anthony effect. The Anthony effect, named in honor of a guy I met at an out of town party, is a scenario in which a guy seems to have more potential than he actually does because you have so little in common with every other guy around. Such lack of opinions then magnifies what you have in common with that one guy. Let's take my friend Elisa, 31, and her video game obsessed “Anthony” as an example. "I met this guy out one night when I had gone to a swanky, celebrity packed lounge. I usually frequent more laid back places so I was instantly intrigued by the guy who also looked like he'd be more comfortable elsewhere. We had a good time that night, but when we met up the following week, I realized it was never going to work. I guess we never got around to talking about his video game obsession or his judgmental views on my non-profit work that first night."

Hmmm. Maybe I was having a similar experience. Lorenzo didn't have any outstanding obsessions (that I noticed) and didn't judge my field of work, but I did find his sense of humor a little off. Could I really go on another date where I had to feign laughter or force myself to find something to say? Did having so little in common with everyone else at the speeddating event made Lorenzo appear to be a better match? Don’t get me wrong. It was by no means the worst date ever, but it wasn't going down in the records for the best either. We just weren't aligned.

Our date ended at my door without a goodbye kiss. I made my way up the stairs toward my apartment and realized that while Lorenzo wasn't going to be my next great love affair, my experience with him was valuable for the improved me. Perhaps this was the kick-start I needed to be open to whoever and whatever is next. Perhaps, now going forward, I can conquer the murky middle with the next prospect. If nothing else, the practice and progress of this experience has certainly prepared me for the possibilities just around the corner. And I’d be sure that around the next corner there would be no more Anthony’s.