The Backup List

12/22/09

"I would definitely add you to my back up list."

I'm not sure if my expression revealed shock, surprise, or suspiciousness when my loose-lipped acquaintance uttered this statement. If I had the ability to raise an eyebrow, I would have raised it at him! Instead, I questioned exactly where I would rank on this hypothetical list, if I, hypothetically, chose to accept a spot on the roster. I mean, I'm nobody's number seven anything! When I was penciled in for number two, (hypothetically, of course) I simply shook my head and changed the topic. It did, however, prompt me to think of a similar deal I had made years ago as a young twentysomething.

Maybe I had seen it on My Best Friend's Wedding or read it in the pages of Cosmo. Or maybe I had just concocted the idea myself. Regardless of its origin, I knew I needed to secure a back up and decided to contact a worthy friend. Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney chose the age of 28. That seemed a bit young so we negotiated that 32 was an appropriate age to settle down with each other. After all, we got along. We'd have a good life. And, most importantly, we'd have cute children.

In the midst of all this discussion, I didn't realize my idea of settling down was actually settling. Settling for what I could get rather than what I should get. Settling for how it would appear to others rather than how it would feel to me. Things I realize now, as I approach 30, might not be worth the trade off of having a ring on my finger. Not that I don't want the ring; I just want it under the right circumstances.

Before I came to this conclusion, I toyed with the idea of my back up for a while longer. The terms of the deal were eventually negotiated to make our deadline age 36. That was my new scary age. I’d settled on that age for a while. That is until two years ago when my friend got sick of the dating scene and out of the blue wanted to change 36 to 30. Whoa! Pump the brakes! At that point, 30 was in clear sight and even though I hadn’t yet met my match, I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel on that possibility yet. And, maybe I wasn’t ever going to be ready. By nature, I’ve never been a quitter, so why would I quit on this? Why would I quit on me? Like Renee, 29, said, “I’d rather be alone than just settle down with anyone…why would I want to live with someone I’m not truly in love with?”

Maybe my story will change in 10 years when the stakes are higher and my biological clock is ticking. Maybe I will have a new scary age. However, for now, I’ve abandoned the idea all together. Part of the reason is since that time, I’ve met so many amazing individuals, men and women, who have made it to and past 36 and have full, interesting, and rich lives without a marriage. Seeing the zeal and passion with which they live makes it a lot less scary to think about myself in the same situation. As far as the back up list is concerned, while the agreement is still technically on the table, I don’t know if I could ever go through with it. I guess I need to tell him that! As for the recent friend who placed me at number 2, I simply laughed it off. While I am sorta kinda (but not really) flattered to be the type of woman who would make the back up list at all, I’m holding out for the man who wants me (and only me) to be his number one.