A Series of Unfortunate Events

My love life could most accurately be described as a series of unfortunate events. While a few bright and shining moments exist, the common theme is slightly tragic. However, it is all I have ever known, so it is rather difficult for me to conceptualize of anything else as a reality. Maybe that’s the problem. Opening my mind and heart to anything else would require taking a risk to which my walls of fear block the way. Isn’t it odd that finding love is equally as scary to me as not finding it at all? Or perhaps it has less to do with mind and heart and more with circumstance. Or some twisted combination of both.

In my life, I realized that there had to be something more to the situation than someone not being into me or the wrong time or the wrong place. After much thought and speculation, I decided that I was guilty as charged on one count of subconscious self-sabotage in the first degree. What else could be the reason for all of this? For a while I thought, it couldn’t possibly be me! I mean, how could it be? I have the complete package. But then I realized that wasn’t the part that was the problem.

It’s never intentional when I allow the wrong guy to stick around for longer than his shelf life. It’s never intentional when I fail to give a guy a chance or when I play the comparison game with him. You know, when mentally you see how he measures up to some unrealistic standard comprised of behaviors and attitudes of various exes and guy friends although you know realistically no one could ever be this model you have created. Nevertheless, I do it anyway and am left with little to show.

And then…enlightenment. A friend had mentioned how one book had changed her entire outlook on her situation. Recognizing that I shared similar viewpoints and struggles, I decided to check it out myself. Be Honest – You are Not that Into Him Either illuminated the path better known as my lackluster love life that I was basically stumbling down in the dark. My subconscious self sabotage theory was true and was spelled out for me within the pages of this book. I was that girl that never gave it a chance. I was that girl with unrealistic expectations despite being a rational, intelligent woman.

Ridding myself of those idealistic notions was a challenge. Cognitively, I knew that only in fairy tales does Prince Charming ride in on his white horse and sweep you off your feet. Only in fairy tales do you ride off into the sunset happily ever after. Not that real relationships aren’t happy. Not that you can find a man that will treat you like a princess. But in real life, there are days when Prince Charming will drive you crazy enough that you want to knock him off that horse. Just like any other type of relationship, it takes work on both ends because none of us are perfect. And just like any other type of relationship, you aren’t going to be carbon copies of each other, and that’s okay. Those differences are what make it interesting.

One thing I failed to see addressed in the book was perhaps the situation I am still trying to negotiate now. What’s a girl to do when maybe it is her abundance of male friends that is the problem? Guy friends are absolutely fantastic and serve a valuable purpose. And yes, despite the Harry and Sally logic, you can be just friends. Guys are a wealth of knowledge when it comes to comprehending the male mind. They can talk sense into you when your sugar-coating girlfriends cannot. They give you a break from your world of designer handbags, sexy stilettos, and flavored lip gloss because frankly, they don’t care! If you are as fortunate as I, each of these guys has admirable qualities that you use to set the bar high for the guys you consider dating. If you indeed ever get to that point of consideration with the guys you meet.

Perhaps sometimes we sabotage ourselves through our complacency. We fail to give ourselves the chance to explore life outside of our comfort zone. Rather than getting out there and meeting men who could possibly have dating potential, we settle for another evening with the guys. When we meet new guys, we immediately put ourselves in the friend box because it’s just easier than taking things slower and exploring the opportunity that perhaps more could occur. In my case, the rationale behind that sabotaging behavior is - at least I know what I am good at. I am very good at being just friends. I know the rules of the game. I know that if you are just friends, then there is no chance of getting hurt. Not that this happens every time and not that you have to forsake this part of your life up, but it is something to consider. How can we strike the balance? Well, I don’t have the answers. I’m still trying to negotiate all these feelings and emotions myself. I guess it is one of those things you learn as you go along. My humble advice - keep hold of your standards, listen to your friends, and trust yourself. Maybe your series of unfortunate events will become your past and your future will become a lot like love.