The Other Side of Me: A Stream of Consciousness

The imperfect, unconfident, irrational, unstable, antithesis of me

I seem so strong and put together and for the most part I am. Days like today, I’m simply freaking out, falling apart. I do appreciate what I have. I do want what I have. But I am human and have deep feelings and emotions and sometimes it just hurts.

Don’t confuse me for one of those women that pines away for love lost and love yet to be discovered. I’m far too independent and strong for that. I value and enjoy my independence. Being the youngest child, I spent 22 years having to answer to everyone else. Being able to answer only to me is something I value.

Independence doesn’t mean going through life without a partner. Independence means being capable enough to coexist with someone else who compliments your life. Independence means having your own life before you join it with that of another.

Just because I don’t need a man, doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t enjoy the company of one. Just because I am self sufficient, doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be taken care of every once in a while.

I just want to know that finding love is an option for me. Most other people I know that are single have at least had that one relationship in which they felt there was hope for that future. I can’t say the same.

My relationship history has been a series of unfortunate events. It all almost seems hopeless. Is he really out there? Or is that just what people tell you.

I look back in time over the past few years. I look at a picture. Each person I see has had such amazing changes in their life. One friend – engaged, married. Other friends – engaged, married, baby. Other friends – one relationship, then the relationship. What about me? It almost spirals into a panic. Could that little of significance really have happened? The most that has changed for me is my career and my hair color.

I have decided that as long as I don’t wallow and dwell and get back up on the horse that I will be okay.

The married friends have been on that track for a while. That doesn’t phase me. It’s the single friends that all of a sudden have gotten serious. I’m happy. I’m not there yet, but what am I going to do. They have these people in their lives that are their priority. I am not anyone’s priority. And there will be times where all of them are busy and then what am I left with. I am independent and I enjoy alone time, but too much could be detrimental.

I’m just worried that I’ll wake up one day and be 40 and in the same boat. It feels like I just woke up and was 25 and the past 5 years have been a blur and I don’t have much to show.

Why do I feel as if I am being persecuted for having a lot to offer?

Sometimes I just want to scream – “it’s not fair!!!” As second grade as that is, there are just some situations in which it seems as life falls into place so easily for other people and I just can’t catch a break.

My mind. It is chaotic. Filled with contradictory and conflicting thoughts. Filled with doubt and confusion. Not always enlightened. Not always mature. Not always in control. But it is honest. It is true. And I know it is not alone. To all you out there in the same struggle…

In my lamenting and whining about all of the above, someone I know commented on my situation and told me, “the right one will call back.” I can hold on to the hope that all of my friends are right and that the right one will. And in the meantime, I will embrace my life and be the strong (if I can’t be perfect, I’ll take it), confident, rational, stable me.