To Commit or Not to Commit: Is that Really the Question?

We are all at varying stages on the relationship continuum between super single and very much married with most of us charting a course through the expansive and sometimes treacherous middle. And believe me, there can be some rough seas to navigate with each one being slightly different than the other. You are in the middle and so is he, but don’t be fooled into thinking that just because you are both there, that you are anywhere near each other!

For instance, there are the ones that are emotionally unavailable and the ones that are noncommittal. They both are attracted to you. They both spent time with you. But they both are operating in the “fun zone.” And they both, for their own reasons, are not rejecting you, but merely the idea of you. While they might seem to have some similarities and some may exhibit characteristics of both, there is a difference.

Why tell the difference? That depends on you and where you are sailing your ship. Does he fit into your plan for fun alone or are do you require a little more? For fun alone, the differences are menial so either will suffice. Need a little more attention, feeling, or potential? Depending on the level of what you need, distinguishing the difference is important. It’s like the difference between Smirnoff and Absolut. If it’s merely about satisfying your fix, pick your poison. About more? Go with Absolut, but neither is Grey Goose.

How do you tell the difference? Here are only a few ways, but know that there are more.

The emotionally unavailable guy has a fear of the “g-word” – girlfriend. Anything that would remotely suggest that you would have any attachment to him beyond that evening is avoided. Perhaps you have already given the disclaimer that you aren’t the girl trying to convert him to boyfriend status, but his fear does not allow him to grasp the concept.

The non committal guy does not fear the labels or associations even though he isn’t necessarily on the girlfriend train. He understands the disclaimer, but may or may not give you what you need for where you are.

The emotionally unavailable guy will not hold your hand as a means of showing his interest in you. In his mind, this seemingly innocent act is equated with coupledom. He might, in the solitude of the world you two share, pull you close or play with your hair, but in front of friends – forget it! Furthermore, beware. He will catch and adjust his behavior if he does do anything appearing to be affectionate in front of them.

The non committal guy does not mind holding hands - and will. After all, between the two of you, you know the boundaries and the rules despite what anyone else thinks, which is why he has no problem being affectionate. You know that it can mean something without meaning everything and that something can vary according to what is comfortable for you.

The emotionally unavailable guy wants to make it abundantly clear that he is not staying. He is not sticking around to become a part of your life. He keeps his shoes on. He sleeps on top of the covers. He hovers in his own space. His actions speak louder than his words. In your own space, you think, “Stay a while. I won’t think you are my boyfriend if you stay for a while.”

The non committal guy will stay and will be close in physical proximity. After all, the boundaries are clear and you both know that it is what it is.

The emotionally unavailable guy has a phone phobia – except at 2 a.m.! Prior to that hour, his phone only seems to have the text messaging feature. Conversations during daylight hours require some investment and inquiry into your life and that would require the slightest bit of emotion, so it is not in the realm of what he is able to give.

The noncommittal guy does not have issues with calling, but this is not a guarantee that he will. He realizes, as do you, that strings are not attached.

The decision depends on you. You might choose to go along with one, the other, or none at all, but at least you are informed. I know me and I know I like emotion and the less hurdles I have to jump over the better. Although I am in no rush to go prancing down any aisles anytime soon, I’ll opt for non committal any day because while I can’t be with him right now, perhaps one day his non committal and my semi committal can meet somewhere in the middle.