What a Girl Wants...Or Not

The following piece is inspired by the many encounters and escapades that occur in the lives of single girls, but is dedicated to my single guy friends. It began as an email to some of these friends after one experience and evolved into the letter below. The perspective is advice from girl friend (not to be confused with girlfriend) to guy friend blending a variety of first hand experiences of girls in my world. All material is true and accurate and taken from multiple primary sources. Please note. Names are not used as to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent!

So to my male friends, near and far, old and new - may you be experienced enough to not need the advice I give, wise enough to attract the ladies you deserve, and kind enough to pass the information on because not all of your friends got the memo!

Dear Guy Friend,

Is it really that hard for me to find someone who is more (or at least equally) interested in my intellect as they are in my other “assets”? Or at least pretend that they are.

As a woman, and your friend, here is my advice to you when you are trying to “connect” (whatever that means for you) with a girl. Note that I am no stranger to the effects of an alcohol-induced haze and how it can distort your thinking (and don’t hold that against you), but please try to keep the following in mind.

Know your audience.

We ladies all come in different shapes and sizes physically so know that we also differ just as much in our personalities, opinions, emotions, and values. We do not all respond to lines and advances and invitations in the same way. So just because it worked on one girl, doesn’t mean it is working on the next. Use context clues. For instance, if you notice a girl’s shirt advertising that she is "more than a pretty face," she’s probably not the one that will be turned on by you mentioning her “hot ass.” Perhaps appeal to her intellectual attributes.

Avoid any expression using the f-word to describe any actions you hope will take place.

No matter how suave you attempt to make it sound, it’s just in poor taste. No woman I know wants such a graphic declaration of the x-rated scenario you have in mind. Not that I am saying you shouldn’t, or won’t, think it, it just should not be broadcasted into the public arena. While I, like many of my counterparts, am one who deeply appreciates honesty, in this situation, I prefer the sugar coated version.

Refrain from using “but you know me” as a reason.

What seems like a foolproof reason is often counterintuitive. How could that be? I mean, your paths have crossed before, albeit briefly, either through mutual friends or common activities. You’ve had a conversation, perhaps on more than one occasion. However, in her mind, this casual acquaintance does not constitute knowing her and may not necessarily lead to any additional trust or any easier access. In fact, knowing that she will eventually run into you again might even increase her resistance to your advances.

Refrain from using “I trust you. So if you trust me…” as a reason.

This one is just stupid. It doesn’t even sound like it could be effective. You might trust her, but there is no way she trusts you that soon!

Excuses are the tools of the incompetent.

If you can’t come up with something good, then say nothing at all. “I can’t find a cab. Can I stay at your place?” Not a good excuse if you live in New York City. You can always find a cab!

Rating yourself is inappropriate.

No matter how good you are or how good you think you are, keep it to yourself. If she wants to find out, she will. Rating yourself an “11” on a scale of 1 to 10 will probably not increase your chances.

Showing off is also inappropriate.

No matter how “impressive” you think a certain part of your anatomy is, it is not necessary to share that information within minutes. And please do not preemptively try to show it off. If she is indicating that this is going to be a PG kind of movie, put your NC-17 action back where it belongs! Honestly, shameless self-promotion is not in good taste and we are just not that impressed.

This is what I have discovered thus far. I’m sure there are more and you know I will be the first one to let you know! Any number of these actions in isolation will probably be forgiven, but be forewarned that combining them could be detrimental to your cause all together. Trust me. If she is not laughing in the moment, she will be later. With her girlfriends! Not that I knock a man for trying. As any girl knows, it is when they stop trying that there is really a problem!

But guys, it is not all your fault.  I’m trying to figure out who are these girls out
there responding to and reinforcing this bad behavior!  They need to start
following my school of thought and just let these guys know when “it’s just not
that kind of a party!”  

Anyway.  Just looking out for your best interest.  Hope you got a good laugh!    

xoxo,

Your Girl Friend