After the Rain

The following flashback is composed of excerpts of my thoughts jotted down on scraps of paper, napkins, and whatever other surface I could find to write on as I ventured through a particularly difficult time in my life. A time rarely spoken of, and not explicitly written about, until now. A time from which I grew tremendously into the strong, courageous woman that I am. As you know, I strive to bring an honest prospective, so even when it can be uncomfortable, or even painful, to write, I do it anyway. Not just for me, but for you who value my ability to keep it honest and keep it real.

I think back on the most significant relationship of my life so far – and even it wasn’t that significant in retrospect. It was supposed to be though. It had all the makings of a fairy tale. Initially. But I should have known as it slowly began to unravel…

No more broken promises, empty conversations, or shattered dreams. No expectations for encounters never to come into fruition. In some way, it’s kind of freeing. No wasted tears over what should have and could have been…

How can something that felt so right now feel so wrong? How can words that carried so much meaning now be reduced to empty conversation? How can something constant and built to last now be so transient and crumbling at my feet? How can I pick up the pieces and now rebuild my heart when its pieces are scattered?

I have no regrets now that the relationship has dissipated. I said all that was in my heart, those burdens lifted. And I wouldn’t take a moment of it back. Because among the bad, there was good. Among the aching hearts and weeping eyes, there were fluttering hearts and joyful smiles. And what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And further, I know more of that what it is (and isn’t) that I am really looking for. Yes, we should have made it, but I can no longer entertain the idea of what would have happened then. Just like I cannot dwell on how the story would have gone if perhaps our paths had been closer in the beginning.

I wish he could have told me what he was thinking and feeling. I wish he would have turned toward me instead of away – but he didn’t. And maybe I will never know the hows or whys. I need to be strong enough in myself to not need those answers because no matter what they are, the situation doesn’t change. Where am I to go from here? As long as I take those good and beautiful things inside of me, I will find a place where I will be appreciated and loved. And although I shouldn’t, I still have this deep and latent hope that one day, he gets it back – all the tears and fears and pain. I hope he wakes up one day realizing he gave up something wonderful – never to get back again. I mean, it would be fair after all…

Honesty is the most beautiful of all virtues. It is through it that we are free to be. I say, do not tip toe on eggshells around me, stomp if you must. Better to have the truth and temporary heartache, than half truths and lies and eternal burning questions about the unknown.