Giving Up the Ghost

2/23/10

As I took a break from work, I picked up my Blackberry and noticed the icon indicating I had a new Facebook notification. I scrolled to the "f" and clicked. What I saw sent shockwaves through my body. "What the..." I muttered under my breath. My eyes popped out of my head but not before squinting and revising the text to be sure I was really reading what I was reading. "You've got to be kidding me!" I incredulously said in a louder tone. My coworker (and friend), Ashley, looked up over her computer at me. My eyes bulged again. "What?! What's going on?!" I asked her to give me a minute and I'd explain. I needed to talk, get a drink of water and make sense of the fact that I had just been Friend Requested by...him…

When I regained my composure, I was able to articulate to Ashley that him was the he who I hadn't heard from in a year and a half. Him that left me hanging after I made my intentions known. Him for whom she took me out for a bottle of Prosecco after I learned of the next chick after me. Him who I worked diligently to get over - and did! Him that hadn't crossed my mind in a long time. Until now.

And just like a ghost, he reappeared. My Ghost of Relationship Past. Somehow it doesn’t surprise me. I swear men all have some internal sensor that sounds an alarm like a K-mart Blue Light Special when they detect that you have moved on from them and are happy. Then, they choose that moment to find an entry point back into your life. The phone call out of the blue, the random, late night text, the awkward ‘how are you?’ email, and of course, the newly implemented, effortless friend request. (Yes. I'm still shaking my head at that one.) I know this isn’t an urban legend because I have countless lady friends of mine that have their own stories of ghosts of relationships past. Case in point - Sujeiry. Her recent column, The Ex-Factor described her reappearing ghosts and their attempts to get back with her. My second example ladies and gentlemen, my friend Monica. Her reaction to her ghost was the one I decided to adopt with mine. “Dude, our boat has not only sailed, but crashed and burned a lonnngg time ago. Sorry your slow ass missed the memo.”

Her response was hilarious, but not the only thing that I found amusing. It's funny how for a while, as I hung in the balance, this was exactly what I wanted. Some response. Some form of communication. Something. But now that I had it, it just seemed like too little too late. And, how ironic that this was the form of communication he chose? Typical. He chose the Avenue of Little Effort that I was lamenting about in my last column! (link to last post). What did I say again? Change one situation at a time? Be careful what you wish for. Here I was with my chance to stand up and say that this type of communication wasn't okay. To demand the right to legitimate and meaningful conversation for all women. (If only I could get that right added to the Constitution...) Now, what to do?

I'll admit it. For a minute there I doubted myself and my original choice to ignore him. While I've made great strides to be a woman that can take things at face value and be rational, I had a momentary relapse. The emotional side of me crept up. Enter, the what ifs. What if I did accept? If I did, would he then try to connect on a real level? What if things would be different? What if…?

What snapped me out of my what ifs? Well, being reminded of just how little effort he put into contacting me. If he wanted me in his life in a meaningful way (i.e. not our old pattern) he would have chosen a method of contact with more impact. And, of course, remembering the caliber of woman I am and what I deserve and hope in finding the kind of man that can be there for me in the way I need him to be. And with that, I decided to meet his action with my inaction and give up the ghost. I hit ‘ignore’ and sent my Ghost of Relationship Past packing…