My Social Experiment

1/2/11

In turning 30, I decided a new decade deserved a new leaf. My love life in the year prior left much to be desired so I decided to branch out and do something different. Since insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same outcome, I decided to venture down a different path and abandon my sometimes closed off, sometimes aloof, and sometimes picky ways. I dared to step a toe outside my comfort zone, go out on a limb, and let down my sometimes impenetrable walls and enter the world of online dating. For a social butterfly like myself who typically does better in person, I figured at best I would meet someone great and at worst have more stories to add to my growing arsenal. My social experiment taught me a lot, but I also learned that I have a lot more to learn…

The first gentleman I met, I’ll call Mr. Snooze. He was a good looking guy and seemed engaging in his email so I decided to transition to a phone call. My first impression was that he was a little boring, but in the “new me” mode and with the gentle prodding of my friends to be “more open,” against my gut, I went out with him anyway. Well, I learned that looks aren’t everything. Now I understand we are all different and see the world from different perspectives and that we all have insecurities and baggage, but I also know that first dates aren’t the place we should unload those. Reveal your crazy one card at a time, people! After being mildly insulted by a few comments and being put off by some of the things he laughed at during the comedy show, I decided that it was best not to go out with him again.

Two weeks later, I had another date. I was on a roll. Well, on a roll for a girl like me who is often called picky. Prior to the date, we had a great phone call. He was everything Mr. Snooze was not. Engaging. Funny. Charismatic. I arrived uncharacteristically early to the bar where we were meeting. He followed about 10 minutes later and I immediately knew that he was Mr. Never Gonna Get It. Zero chemistry on my end. For someone who knows good chemistry, I knew it would take every ounce of maturity to put on my big girl pants and be a gracious date. I also knew to lay the foundation of my exit strategy as I began talking about my 10 mile training and the early run I had in the morning. I confirmed (yet again) that I definitely know when it’s a no.

Around the same time there was a third gentleman who seemed to have the best attributes of both of the other guys. He was known as Mr. Front Runner, but soon became known as Mr. Fade Out. For whatever reason, things never got off the ground. We exchanged a few emails and texts, talked about getting together, but just never did. I was reminded that we are often unaware of what is going on with the other person. Perhaps he had met someone else who was a better fit and was just keeping his options open until he knew for sure. Or maybe not. The world may never know. I did, however, open up to the idea that in some cases, it might not be about me. It might just not be meant to be.
After that trio, life got a bit busy and I took an unofficial hiatus from the online dating world. I retained a profile, but focused less on actively engaging with it on a regular basis. In the meantime, I reconnected with someone I had known for a few years, but with whom the timing was never quite right. I wondered if this time it would be. While I don’t claim having a “type,” he does have one of the unifying qualities I tend to find attractive (i.e. He’s a good guy, but has enough edge to keep him interesting.) After spending a day with him in his city, I realized that I wanted (dare I say, needed) those kind of days in my life. Days that turned into evenings in the blink of an eye filled with comfortable conversation and comfortable silence, long lunches, and lots of laughs. At this point, I was faced with a choice. Go out on a limb and share my feelings or forever wonder “what if?” Time to grow a pair. With the support of amazing friends I’m so lucky to have, I mustered up enough courage to open the door to something more. As life would have it, there were a few factors as to why things did not progress beyond friendship which is why this gentleman is my Mr. Almost Doesn’t Count. While the outcome wasn’t what I desired, I learned that I do have the capacity to be honest about my feelings and that when one of those great long days comes my way again, I’ll know I’m on to something!

Karma. They call her a bitch so I have always known to treat her with respect and avoid any negative interactions with her. This would prove to be a wise choice as the year unfolded. So, the next gentleman I met was a very nice guy. Very nice. Nice, but… Long story short, I met him through friends of friends and, again, in “being more open,” I decided to go out with him. Like I mentioned, he was very, very nice, but…there was no chemistry for me. None. So at the end of the date, I said my thank you and goodbye quickly to avoid any possible awkward kiss dodging moments (I do not pity kiss!). I assumed he would take the hint and would only pursue a friendship, if anything, with me. Wrong! I lamely played the busy card a few times and prayed he’d get it. He didn’t. Damn these big girl pants! I agonized over how to let him down gently. After all, he was really nice and we had common friends and I hate awkwardness! Somehow, I found the right words to say that indicated I wasn’t interested without being harsh. Through the whole situation with Mr. Karma, I learned that a no is still a no, there is a fine line between appealing and appalling, and in any situation, you can always be kind.

I missed being with someone I found appealing. I missed chemistry. I missed all those things that make all these shenanigans worth it. I was so far removed that I could barely remember what that was like. Barely. What I did remember was Mr. Throwback. He was appealing. We had chemistry. And for some brief period, I thought that situation was worth it. We hadn’t been in contact in quite some time. Hmmm…The wheels started spinning. Was it worth investigating that again? Knowing I’d likely be told that it wasn’t, I kept these thoughts to myself. But if you know me, you know the way to my deepest secrets is to let me write it or give me a few drinks. Over happy hour one night, I spilled the beans and revealed these secret thoughts to one friend who knew the right questions to ask! She never told me what (or what not) to do, but listened as I processed. We both knew I wouldn’t be satisfied if I didn’t at least open the lines of communication with him. I did. The response was the typical, mysterious non response. Nothing had changed. And this time, I filled in the blanks and connected the dots myself and realized that it was time to let that one lie. For good. I learned that not all fashions, styles, or relationships are worth repeating.

While I’m not sure if I have a complete idea of what I’m looking for, I definitely have figured out a lot of things I am not looking for! One summer night, I was making pleasant conversation at the bar with some young gentlemen, Mr. Young One. One of the young gentlemen decided he was enamored and proceeded to follow me around the rest of the night. Like a puppy dog. Oh no, no, no. That’s never going to work. That’s not sexy. While I appreciated the flattery, I could not take him seriously. I, like the next woman, enjoy attention. However, how that attention is displayed is important because I still need to feel like a woman and not like some statue on a pedestal or treat in a bakery! I learned that the right kind of man will know how to do just that!

Summer also brought the situation in which karma finally threw me a bone. I decided to dust off and resurrect my online dating profile again. After seeing a couple of friends have positive experiences with it, I figured I had nothing to lose giving it another whirl. After a few rounds of serious pre-screening (because some of these fools are crazy!), I ended up exchanging emails with someone that I was actually interested in meeting. He was cute and nice and seemed funny and interesting, so I decided to meet him. He really was all of those things – cute, nice, funny, and interesting. I actually had a good time. I didn’t know what to expect, but that was certainly progress. I was so caught off guard by this fact that at the end of the date, I froze and barely kissed him back. (I know. I know! While I’m not still actively kicking myself for that now as I was for the week following, I still shake my head at the thought.) While I’m sure that wasn’t the only reason things didn’t pan out, I’m sure it didn’t help. A few days later, I received the nicest let down email from him. Karma threw me a bone! Rather than having to endure the what ifs and the wonder whys with another fade out artist, I actually had an honest response that was kind and respectful. Through meeting Mr. Faith Restoration, I was reminded of some lessons I had learned previously in life. You can’t force things that aren’t meant to be, once in a while you might actually want to kiss him (so be ready), and you can always be kind.

I’d endured all the above and decided that maybe I just needed to let loose, swing my pendulum in the opposite direction, and make something happen. While on this quest, I was introduced to a friend of a friend, Mr. Unexpected. I was so hell bent on my mission when we met, that it took a little while to register that I was attracted to him. It wasn’t until we were hanging out later that night that I had my Clueless-esque epiphany. While I wasn’t like Cher and finally figuring out that I loved Josh, I was figuring out something. There had been so few worthy options that I had forgotten that feeling of attraction until it had resurfaced. So often in my past I’d swing my pendulum toward open solely to the serious or open firmly to the fun and hold that stance without considering where I was, what I needed, or where the other person fit in the scenario. This time would be different. I considered where I was, what I needed, and where the other person fit in the scenario. I recalled the lesson learned that nothing forced ever works. As a result, I decided to let go of the reins, be open (not for the sake of being open, but to whatever was meant to be), and let it unfold. I knew that whatever happened would be not because I forced it to go that way, but because that was just the way it was meant to be. The remaining details are superfluous to the lesson learned. (I know. I know! But if you know me, you know how I tell stories anyway so this lack of details isn’t a shocker.) However, I learned that as each situation, experience, and opportunity presents itself to me, I have to take it as it is and consider it in the present.

As my life often goes, sometimes other responsibilities take priority and after Mr. Unexpected, my remaining interactions were limited and at best only reminded me of previous lessons learned. With the holiday season in full swing, I decided to abandon my social experiment and focuses solely on my family and friends and reflecting on where I’d been and where I was headed.
So as I enter into 31 better equipped than I was as I entered 30, I am committed to owning this journey – good, bad, ugly, and in between. Where it will ultimately lead, I don’t know, but I will work at embracing the unknown. Not the easiest thing for a sometimes OCD, planner like me, but what else can I do, but surrender to my lot in life. I can only control what I can control and that’s me, my attitude, my actions, and my reactions. I can laugh instead of cry. I can see the silver linings in my clouds. I can listen only to the voices that matter and ignore those that “mean well,” but have no bearing on my life. I can refuse to settle for less than I deserve. I can balance being open to opportunities with knowing what works for me and proceed accordingly. I can live freely, fiercely, and fully. I can keep learning.

And so, friends, remember this. Life will give you experiences that challenge you. You’ll have bumps in the road and sometimes you’ll fall off that limb on to which you stepped out. The true measure of your character is in how you pick yourself, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward. It isn’t always easy and sometimes you might need to stay down for a minute to gather your strength, but with a network of supportive friends to help shoulder the burden, you’ll be just fine.