My Social Experiment

1/2/11

In turning 30, I decided a new decade deserved a new leaf. My love life in the year prior left much to be desired so I decided to branch out and do something different. Since insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same outcome, I decided to venture down a different path and abandon my sometimes closed off, sometimes aloof, and sometimes picky ways. I dared to step a toe outside my comfort zone, go out on a limb, and let down my sometimes impenetrable walls and enter the world of online dating. For a social butterfly like myself who typically does better in person, I figured at best I would meet someone great and at worst have more stories to add to my growing arsenal. My social experiment taught me a lot, but I also learned that I have a lot more to learn…

The first gentleman I met, I’ll call Mr. Snooze. He was a good looking guy and seemed engaging in his email so I decided to transition to a phone call. My first impression was that he was a little boring, but in the “new me” mode and with the gentle prodding of my friends to be “more open,” against my gut, I went out with him anyway. Well, I learned that looks aren’t everything. Now I understand we are all different and see the world from different perspectives and that we all have insecurities and baggage, but I also know that first dates aren’t the place we should unload those. Reveal your crazy one card at a time, people! After being mildly insulted by a few comments and being put off by some of the things he laughed at during the comedy show, I decided that it was best not to go out with him again.

Two weeks later, I had another date. I was on a roll. Well, on a roll for a girl like me who is often called picky. Prior to the date, we had a great phone call. He was everything Mr. Snooze was not. Engaging. Funny. Charismatic. I arrived uncharacteristically early to the bar where we were meeting. He followed about 10 minutes later and I immediately knew that he was Mr. Never Gonna Get It. Zero chemistry on my end. For someone who knows good chemistry, I knew it would take every ounce of maturity to put on my big girl pants and be a gracious date. I also knew to lay the foundation of my exit strategy as I began talking about my 10 mile training and the early run I had in the morning. I confirmed (yet again) that I definitely know when it’s a no.

Around the same time there was a third gentleman who seemed to have the best attributes of both of the other guys. He was known as Mr. Front Runner, but soon became known as Mr. Fade Out. For whatever reason, things never got off the ground. We exchanged a few emails and texts, talked about getting together, but just never did. I was reminded that we are often unaware of what is going on with the other person. Perhaps he had met someone else who was a better fit and was just keeping his options open until he knew for sure. Or maybe not. The world may never know. I did, however, open up to the idea that in some cases, it might not be about me. It might just not be meant to be.
After that trio, life got a bit busy and I took an unofficial hiatus from the online dating world. I retained a profile, but focused less on actively engaging with it on a regular basis. In the meantime, I reconnected with someone I had known for a few years, but with whom the timing was never quite right. I wondered if this time it would be. While I don’t claim having a “type,” he does have one of the unifying qualities I tend to find attractive (i.e. He’s a good guy, but has enough edge to keep him interesting.) After spending a day with him in his city, I realized that I wanted (dare I say, needed) those kind of days in my life. Days that turned into evenings in the blink of an eye filled with comfortable conversation and comfortable silence, long lunches, and lots of laughs. At this point, I was faced with a choice. Go out on a limb and share my feelings or forever wonder “what if?” Time to grow a pair. With the support of amazing friends I’m so lucky to have, I mustered up enough courage to open the door to something more. As life would have it, there were a few factors as to why things did not progress beyond friendship which is why this gentleman is my Mr. Almost Doesn’t Count. While the outcome wasn’t what I desired, I learned that I do have the capacity to be honest about my feelings and that when one of those great long days comes my way again, I’ll know I’m on to something!

Karma. They call her a bitch so I have always known to treat her with respect and avoid any negative interactions with her. This would prove to be a wise choice as the year unfolded. So, the next gentleman I met was a very nice guy. Very nice. Nice, but… Long story short, I met him through friends of friends and, again, in “being more open,” I decided to go out with him. Like I mentioned, he was very, very nice, but…there was no chemistry for me. None. So at the end of the date, I said my thank you and goodbye quickly to avoid any possible awkward kiss dodging moments (I do not pity kiss!). I assumed he would take the hint and would only pursue a friendship, if anything, with me. Wrong! I lamely played the busy card a few times and prayed he’d get it. He didn’t. Damn these big girl pants! I agonized over how to let him down gently. After all, he was really nice and we had common friends and I hate awkwardness! Somehow, I found the right words to say that indicated I wasn’t interested without being harsh. Through the whole situation with Mr. Karma, I learned that a no is still a no, there is a fine line between appealing and appalling, and in any situation, you can always be kind.

I missed being with someone I found appealing. I missed chemistry. I missed all those things that make all these shenanigans worth it. I was so far removed that I could barely remember what that was like. Barely. What I did remember was Mr. Throwback. He was appealing. We had chemistry. And for some brief period, I thought that situation was worth it. We hadn’t been in contact in quite some time. Hmmm…The wheels started spinning. Was it worth investigating that again? Knowing I’d likely be told that it wasn’t, I kept these thoughts to myself. But if you know me, you know the way to my deepest secrets is to let me write it or give me a few drinks. Over happy hour one night, I spilled the beans and revealed these secret thoughts to one friend who knew the right questions to ask! She never told me what (or what not) to do, but listened as I processed. We both knew I wouldn’t be satisfied if I didn’t at least open the lines of communication with him. I did. The response was the typical, mysterious non response. Nothing had changed. And this time, I filled in the blanks and connected the dots myself and realized that it was time to let that one lie. For good. I learned that not all fashions, styles, or relationships are worth repeating.

While I’m not sure if I have a complete idea of what I’m looking for, I definitely have figured out a lot of things I am not looking for! One summer night, I was making pleasant conversation at the bar with some young gentlemen, Mr. Young One. One of the young gentlemen decided he was enamored and proceeded to follow me around the rest of the night. Like a puppy dog. Oh no, no, no. That’s never going to work. That’s not sexy. While I appreciated the flattery, I could not take him seriously. I, like the next woman, enjoy attention. However, how that attention is displayed is important because I still need to feel like a woman and not like some statue on a pedestal or treat in a bakery! I learned that the right kind of man will know how to do just that!

Summer also brought the situation in which karma finally threw me a bone. I decided to dust off and resurrect my online dating profile again. After seeing a couple of friends have positive experiences with it, I figured I had nothing to lose giving it another whirl. After a few rounds of serious pre-screening (because some of these fools are crazy!), I ended up exchanging emails with someone that I was actually interested in meeting. He was cute and nice and seemed funny and interesting, so I decided to meet him. He really was all of those things – cute, nice, funny, and interesting. I actually had a good time. I didn’t know what to expect, but that was certainly progress. I was so caught off guard by this fact that at the end of the date, I froze and barely kissed him back. (I know. I know! While I’m not still actively kicking myself for that now as I was for the week following, I still shake my head at the thought.) While I’m sure that wasn’t the only reason things didn’t pan out, I’m sure it didn’t help. A few days later, I received the nicest let down email from him. Karma threw me a bone! Rather than having to endure the what ifs and the wonder whys with another fade out artist, I actually had an honest response that was kind and respectful. Through meeting Mr. Faith Restoration, I was reminded of some lessons I had learned previously in life. You can’t force things that aren’t meant to be, once in a while you might actually want to kiss him (so be ready), and you can always be kind.

I’d endured all the above and decided that maybe I just needed to let loose, swing my pendulum in the opposite direction, and make something happen. While on this quest, I was introduced to a friend of a friend, Mr. Unexpected. I was so hell bent on my mission when we met, that it took a little while to register that I was attracted to him. It wasn’t until we were hanging out later that night that I had my Clueless-esque epiphany. While I wasn’t like Cher and finally figuring out that I loved Josh, I was figuring out something. There had been so few worthy options that I had forgotten that feeling of attraction until it had resurfaced. So often in my past I’d swing my pendulum toward open solely to the serious or open firmly to the fun and hold that stance without considering where I was, what I needed, or where the other person fit in the scenario. This time would be different. I considered where I was, what I needed, and where the other person fit in the scenario. I recalled the lesson learned that nothing forced ever works. As a result, I decided to let go of the reins, be open (not for the sake of being open, but to whatever was meant to be), and let it unfold. I knew that whatever happened would be not because I forced it to go that way, but because that was just the way it was meant to be. The remaining details are superfluous to the lesson learned. (I know. I know! But if you know me, you know how I tell stories anyway so this lack of details isn’t a shocker.) However, I learned that as each situation, experience, and opportunity presents itself to me, I have to take it as it is and consider it in the present.

As my life often goes, sometimes other responsibilities take priority and after Mr. Unexpected, my remaining interactions were limited and at best only reminded me of previous lessons learned. With the holiday season in full swing, I decided to abandon my social experiment and focuses solely on my family and friends and reflecting on where I’d been and where I was headed.
So as I enter into 31 better equipped than I was as I entered 30, I am committed to owning this journey – good, bad, ugly, and in between. Where it will ultimately lead, I don’t know, but I will work at embracing the unknown. Not the easiest thing for a sometimes OCD, planner like me, but what else can I do, but surrender to my lot in life. I can only control what I can control and that’s me, my attitude, my actions, and my reactions. I can laugh instead of cry. I can see the silver linings in my clouds. I can listen only to the voices that matter and ignore those that “mean well,” but have no bearing on my life. I can refuse to settle for less than I deserve. I can balance being open to opportunities with knowing what works for me and proceed accordingly. I can live freely, fiercely, and fully. I can keep learning.

And so, friends, remember this. Life will give you experiences that challenge you. You’ll have bumps in the road and sometimes you’ll fall off that limb on to which you stepped out. The true measure of your character is in how you pick yourself, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward. It isn’t always easy and sometimes you might need to stay down for a minute to gather your strength, but with a network of supportive friends to help shoulder the burden, you’ll be just fine.

Easy Beginnings

3/23/10

We met through friends of friends at the beach one weekend and instantly hit it off. We had so much in common and found ourselves chatting frequently during our weekend stay. At the end of the weekend, we realized we wouldn't see each other at the beach again for three weekends, so we made plans to catch a movie the following weekend back in the city.

Our Sunday matinee movie was followed by dinner where we shared our stories and more than a few laughs. At the end of dinner, we made plans to be in touch again soon. I knew this was the beginning of something good. And thus was the beginning of our relationship. The catch? This wasn't the start of my relationship with my latest great love, but rather with my latest great girlfriend! As I thought about the forging of this friendship, I could only think to myself, “If only finding my match was this easy!”
I loved how Bianca and I just clicked. We were like-minded women. Smart. Sassy. Strong. Confident. Fun. And, of course, it helped that we both appreciated a booty-shaking good time! And this isn’t the first time I’ve had such an experience. When I met my friend Brian, I knew instantly we were going to be friends. He felt familiar. It was so easy. It was like we had been friends all along. I was totally comfortable with him and trusted him even though we had just met. Years later, our friendship is still going strong. So why wasn’t this transferring to my relationships?

I share the theory of some that in the beginning of a relationship, it's supposed to be that easy. Before you encounter and handle the big, messy stuff as a couple, you are able to wallow in the wooing and bask in the bliss of the honeymoon phase. If the beginning isn't roses and daisies, if you are worrying about if he’s going to stay or going to go, then maybe this isn't going to be the next great love because it just isn't supposed to be that hard in the beginning. Maybe that’s where, in the past, I have fallen down. Maybe because it had been a while or maybe because I was blinded by the attraction that I didn’t see all of the red flags and warning signs at the beginning. Maybe those roses and daisies I “saw” were actually weeds of inaction and inconsistency. Perhaps if I’d revisited the theory, I would have seen it for what it was worth and held out for something better, just like what happened with my friend Michael.

Recently, Michael met a girl at a party. After a busy few weeks, when I finally caught up with him, they were already on the fast track of making weekend plans together. Not the generic, still-getting-to-know-you-dinner-then-hang-out-at-the-bar weekend plans. Legitimate we-are-in-a-relationship-going-away-for-the-weekend-plans. Wow! I couldn't believe how quickly they'd fallen so comfortably into a routine of meshing their lives together. When I pried a bit, he relayed the information I pretty much figured he would, having knowledge of his recent dating experiences. It just wasn't complicated with her when they met. They knew they liked each other and went with it. No drama. No games. No nonsense.

It’s funny. I never really bought into that whole, “you know when you know” concept. I guess I just needed some sort of context. And while I haven’t met anyone who’s stuck like my friends have stuck, I’m optimistic that I will and when I do, I’ll know. I'm hopeful that just like I knew with my friendship with Bianca and just like I knew when I slipped into my first pair of Jimmy Choos, I’ll know. With him, I’ll know.

Misadventures of Online Dating

3/9/10

After my not-so-successful experience on a few free online dating sites, I realized you must get what you pay for. And since the 'New Year, New Me Krista' had already dropped serious dollars on a winter getaway, what was another few dollars on this adventure? I’d gotten over my initial experience and figured it wouldn’t hurt to give it another whirl! Not that I was going to abandon my jam-packed social schedule of dinner parties, happy hours, and watching basketball games. I wasn’t going to put all my eggs in this one basket, but was hopeful that this would at least expand my options and encourage me to be more open.

So with no expectations, I carefully crafted my profile with the assistance of some friends. With a click, I was back in the game. It took a few weeks for things to get off the ground, but before long I was getting some hits. No. No. No. No. Maybe. No. No. No. Part of me felt a little guilty for being so judgmental. Then again, I was looking for someone who I’d actually be attracted to and able to have a conversation with so why waste my time? After a while, the guilt felt more like empowerment. I felt like I had a choice in the matter! I weeded through profile after profile for a few weeks before I found one that was a yes - Mr. Nice Guy.

From what he outlined in his profile, Mr. Nice Guy seemed like the kind of guy I'd been interested in meeting, but hadn't in a while (so that alone was encouraging). He was my age, attractive, lived close, and had hobbies and interests in addition to pounding back drinks. I could get used to this type of option! After a few email exchanges, our communication moved on to text messages. You know how I feel about those so you can imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when that led to an actual phone call. Well, as impressed as I was about the phone call, it made me want to get back up on my technology-is-the-devil-in-dating soapbox. Talk about BORING! If he could have seen my face, he might not have asked me out! I mean, I know it is hard getting to know people and perhaps the phone makes you nervous, but this conversation was just kinda awkward. I was definitely put off when his line of questioning strayed from “what do you do?” and “what movies do you like?” to “when was your last relationship?” and “what have the other guys you’ve met been like?” Whoa, homie! Pump the brakes! But in the spirit of being more open, I decided to accept his offer and meet him that weekend. After all, I think I’m much better in person than on the phone so maybe it applied to him as well.

As I hung up the phone, I realized that I had made the rookie mistake of accepting a Saturday night date as opposed to an after work drink. What was I thinking? The consequences of being out of the game too long. Oh well, I was committed and soon came the Saturday night date. We had a nice time and he definitely was a nice guy, but boring and awkward perpetuated. A few days later, he sent a very nice text acknowledging the lack of spark on both ends and wished me well. I appreciated his honesty and wished him well, too. On to the next one!

With the next time, it started out much differently. Our first phone conversation was at least an hour long. We had a lot to talk about and he was funny. I learned from the last one and our date was set up for a Monday night after work. Perfect! That would be easy to get out of if I needed to. Well, the moment of truth arrived. And, alas, I just wasn’t that attracted to him. I’m a classy lady though, so I went on with it. We still had a lot to talk about, but he too traveled down the path of asking about exes and other guys I was seeing. All up in my business!! ! And that’s not all. More of his true colors started to seep through and I realized he was Mr. In It to Win It. My friend Serena’s description of the guys you meet online that are on the fast track to relationship, marriage, and the baby carriage. In the course of our conversation, he referenced us as a ‘we’ multiple times and had already planned ahead to when I was hanging out with his friends. Whoa, homie! Pump the breaks! I conveniently dropped hints throughout our conversation about my race training so it was perfect that after a few appetizers I was able to find my way home.

Was it really going to be that hard to find one that stuck? One that was just right? I felt like Goldilocks (well, with darker hair and cuter shoes). I realized this wouldn’t be easy. Lots of trial and error. But, hey, she found one that was just right eventually, and I knew, so would I.

Krista is a thirtysomething who has been sharing her stories with her girlfriends for years. The sassy, yet sweet writer considers her audience an extension of her girlfriends network and hopes that through her writing, other women will find hope, humor, or solace.

Giving Up the Ghost

2/23/10

As I took a break from work, I picked up my Blackberry and noticed the icon indicating I had a new Facebook notification. I scrolled to the "f" and clicked. What I saw sent shockwaves through my body. "What the..." I muttered under my breath. My eyes popped out of my head but not before squinting and revising the text to be sure I was really reading what I was reading. "You've got to be kidding me!" I incredulously said in a louder tone. My coworker (and friend), Ashley, looked up over her computer at me. My eyes bulged again. "What?! What's going on?!" I asked her to give me a minute and I'd explain. I needed to talk, get a drink of water and make sense of the fact that I had just been Friend Requested by...him…

When I regained my composure, I was able to articulate to Ashley that him was the he who I hadn't heard from in a year and a half. Him that left me hanging after I made my intentions known. Him for whom she took me out for a bottle of Prosecco after I learned of the next chick after me. Him who I worked diligently to get over - and did! Him that hadn't crossed my mind in a long time. Until now.

And just like a ghost, he reappeared. My Ghost of Relationship Past. Somehow it doesn’t surprise me. I swear men all have some internal sensor that sounds an alarm like a K-mart Blue Light Special when they detect that you have moved on from them and are happy. Then, they choose that moment to find an entry point back into your life. The phone call out of the blue, the random, late night text, the awkward ‘how are you?’ email, and of course, the newly implemented, effortless friend request. (Yes. I'm still shaking my head at that one.) I know this isn’t an urban legend because I have countless lady friends of mine that have their own stories of ghosts of relationships past. Case in point - Sujeiry. Her recent column, The Ex-Factor described her reappearing ghosts and their attempts to get back with her. My second example ladies and gentlemen, my friend Monica. Her reaction to her ghost was the one I decided to adopt with mine. “Dude, our boat has not only sailed, but crashed and burned a lonnngg time ago. Sorry your slow ass missed the memo.”

Her response was hilarious, but not the only thing that I found amusing. It's funny how for a while, as I hung in the balance, this was exactly what I wanted. Some response. Some form of communication. Something. But now that I had it, it just seemed like too little too late. And, how ironic that this was the form of communication he chose? Typical. He chose the Avenue of Little Effort that I was lamenting about in my last column! (link to last post). What did I say again? Change one situation at a time? Be careful what you wish for. Here I was with my chance to stand up and say that this type of communication wasn't okay. To demand the right to legitimate and meaningful conversation for all women. (If only I could get that right added to the Constitution...) Now, what to do?

I'll admit it. For a minute there I doubted myself and my original choice to ignore him. While I've made great strides to be a woman that can take things at face value and be rational, I had a momentary relapse. The emotional side of me crept up. Enter, the what ifs. What if I did accept? If I did, would he then try to connect on a real level? What if things would be different? What if…?

What snapped me out of my what ifs? Well, being reminded of just how little effort he put into contacting me. If he wanted me in his life in a meaningful way (i.e. not our old pattern) he would have chosen a method of contact with more impact. And, of course, remembering the caliber of woman I am and what I deserve and hope in finding the kind of man that can be there for me in the way I need him to be. And with that, I decided to meet his action with my inaction and give up the ghost. I hit ‘ignore’ and sent my Ghost of Relationship Past packing…

Face Time

2/9/10

My friend Monica recently hit it off with a guy at a party. They snuck off to a corner, chatting for hours about the things men and women chat about when they are first connecting. (She must have been pretty engrossed as she missed my calls and texts!) We finally caught up a few days later for the debriefing. Inquiring minds, especially those of a fellow single girlfriend, wanted to know! I almost fell out of my chair when she told me that, after all that, he didn't even ask for her number! Really? Is this what we're working with? Is that all there is? I vented. Then I was left speechless (and I'm rarely speechless!) when she said he had the nerve to Facebook friend her after the fact. I repeat, really?! Is this what we're working with? Is that all there is?

This real life scenario begs me to ask another question: what's become of meeting and greeting in our society? Has technology destroyed our ability to interact in a meaningful capacity? Gone, it seems, are the days of hour-long first phone calls, declarations of feelings on looseleaf paper, and conversations that "define the relationship." Now, we are forced to reckon with the oh-so-not romantic first email, tone-lacking text messages, and a relationship status determined by who first indicates ‘In a Relationship with…’ on their Facebook profile. Where'd good old fashioned romance go? I mean, it's kinda hard to woo me with only 140 characters, homie!
I guess it is only happening because we’re allowing it. Otherwise, what else would have made that, "man-child" (i.e. Monica's term for a grown man who engages in childish behaviors) think that friend requesting her, as opposed to asking their mutual friend for her number, was an okay entry point into her life? I shouldn't be surprised I guess. In a recent conversation (well, Blackberry Messenger conversation...guilty as charged!) with my friend Allison, she described how she dated a guy for close to a year and probably talked to him on the phone twice! And I'm not exempt myself. I hang my head in shame at the fact that MySpace messages were a popular communication medium with me and Jason. They frequently trumped phone on phone action in our long distance relationship.

That's why when the last guy I met actually wanted to talk on the phone, I was nervous. I'd gotten so accustomed to the email/text/FB version of courtship that I questioned my own phone skills. Back in the pre-social networking era, my skills were sharp. Honed over years of experience. However, getting back into the phone groove was just like riding a bike. It took a few minutes to steady my balance, but once I got the hang of it, it was like I never forgot how to be cute and flirty and witty with my words. Let’s hope this trend continues.

Maybe this all doesn't sound worrisome to you now, but my paranoia strikes when I think about how even intimacy has become technologized. I mean, how are we ever going to get to mating if we barely figure out dating? And you know you can't make no babies if all you have is 'text sex.' (Well maybe that isn't such a bad thing for some of us right now...)

So, what's next? Can we make our way back to connecting on an authentic level? I'm a believer. And just like those subway ads for Dentyne gum proclaim, "face time" is important. No typewritten "xoxo" can ever compare to the magic and sparks of the real thing. No love tweet, no matter how well crafted, can ever capture the same sentiment of those words when shared over a meal. How do we make this change and avoid being permanently interpersonally challenged? My guess? One situation at a time. And on that note, I’m off to mix and mingle with the prospect!

Hello, 30!

1/26/10

Dear Thirties,

It was so nice to finally meet you! You were so gracious and welcoming. I loved every minute celebrating the commencement of our relationship. Now that the celebrations have died down and we are settling in together, I just wanted to let you know how I feel about you and what I am looking forward to in our journey together.

In the 2 weeks I've known you, you’ve already made such an impact on my life. I mean, I was always confident while with Twenties, but since I’ve met you, it has a different, more intense feel. It’s like I’m literally walking on sunshine! Somehow, meeting you has given me more clarity and awareness. I’ve traded my idealistic, rose-colored glasses and my cynical, jaded colored glasses for crystal clear ones! I know it is because of the baggage you made me leave behind with Twenties. You gave me the courage to let it go and leave it behind – and I did! It was so incredibly freeing to do so. Now I can focus on you and me. I’m thankful that you did allow me to bring the lessons I learned from all the mistakes. Having those to reference can only make our time together that much better.

Our time together is going to be quite an adventure! More pieces will fall into place. I’ll experience amazing life changes both personally and professionally. In honor of this adventure, I decided that in this first year together, I would engage in some sort of extra special adventure each month. Conquering fears, trying new things, learning more about life or myself. I’m eager to start with a solo vacation, learning trapeze, and running a 10-mile race. There will be more! I’m excited to come up with more adventures for us. Thirties, if it wasn’t for you changing my life, I wouldn’t be so willing to take life by the horns. Thanks for being so willing to come along for the ride.

While I know our time together won’t be perfect and we will have our share of challenges, I am confident that I’ll be able to handle them with courage, strength, and grace. And when I don’t, I know I’ll at least be able to find my way back to the path of courage, strength, and grace much sooner! Here’s to a beautiful and exciting adventure ahead!

Love,

Me

Goodbye, Twenties!

1/12/10

Dear Twenties,

It seems like only yesterday I was introduced to you. We started our relationship together with a party so legendary that people still talk about it today. And that night, as I slept off that Three Wise Men shot, I dreamt of our next ten years together, of the life depicted in movies and reinforced in real life. The life in which a few tumultuous single years are followed by love, marriage and a baby carriage. However, you had other plans for me. Plans that would challenge me to suck it up, grow up and challenge me to embrace and retain that child-like wonder. Plans that would show me the richness and fullness of my life just as it was. It didn’t happen overnight and it certainly wasn’t easy, but anything worth anything is never easy!

Those early years together were the most tumultuous with the most extreme highs and lows. The freedom of college allowed for new experiences and opportunities. I recall fondly the thrill of staying out until sun up after dancing the night away, not just one night but sometimes three in a row! However, I cringe when I think of many a night in which the outcome was an alcohol induced tear fest in the bathroom over someone not worth my tears. Twenties, how could you?! You let me handle my first heartbreak in such a tragic manner! Looking back at the girl I was then, I don’t know if I would want to hug her or smack her! I guess you knew I needed to get it out then because that wouldn’t be a good thing at 29. And eventually, you helped me find better ways to cope. You taught me that it was okay to open up. You’d brought me such amazing friends because you knew how much I would need them. And while I was still a tough cookie to crack and hadn’t yet learned the art of being less of a control freak, I was working toward that.

As we moved into the murky middle of our time together, we started anew. New job. New city. New start. I was embracing my life as a single city girl and loving it. But of course, you had to rock the boat! You had some challenges in your back pocket just waiting to test me. I was living my fabulous life of celebrity hot spots, expensive, designer jeans, and twelve dollar cocktails without a care in the world, when one day, I looked up and noticed what I was missing. Where was my doting husband and adorable curly headed child? Wasn’t I supposed to be a homeowner by now? I mean, my designer jeans were fabulous, but they couldn’t give me a back rub after a long day! And all those twelve-dollar cocktails were delicious, but they couldn’t put a roof over my head. I asked myself these questions repeatedly and, Twenties, they fell on your deaf ears. But you knew I needed to learn that this time wasn’t my time for those things. I still had a lot of living and learning to do on my own before I could trade my lifestyle for strollers and strip malls.

The last few years with you often felt like the first few with the highs and the lows. Time had given me a career I loved and valuable friendships. Those sustained me when, again, I was faced with a major disappointment and questioned where I was and what I wanted. Through it all, I learned to release some of my control and allow others to be my strength. And with time, you allowed me to stabilize my shaken confidence and restored me to a place of peace. As our time together wanes and I prepare to meet Thirties, my hope is that I’ll be able to recapture the joy of our glory days together, armed with the knowledge from all of my battle scars!

So Twenties, thank you for your memories, your lessons, your joys, your pains, your triumphs, your trials, your brightest days and your darkest hours. Without them, I wouldn't be nearly as strong, nearly as confident, or nearly as ready to embark on the next adventure called Thirties. You will be missed, but take comfort in knowing I am excited to get to know Thirties. And even though our relationship didn’t bring us love, marriage, or the baby carriage, it was best that you didn’t. You knew I wasn’t ready. I now know that things are exactly as they are supposed to be even though they are not the way I anticipated they would be. I appreciate you for allowing me to discover just that.

Farewell. It’s been real, but I’ve only just begun!

Love,

Me

So Worthy Women of 2009

12/29/09


As I look back on the challenges of 2009, certain women have inspired me by living up to the words of Frederick Douglass: “Without struggle, there is no progress.” While I don’t know most of them personally, how they have handled themselves in the public eye has been of great influence.

Here is my top 10 list of the “So Worthy” Women of 2009. Whether it was the struggles they endured, the obstacles they overcame, or character they displayed in the face of criticism, these women have truly defined what it means to be “So Worthy.”

10. Khloe Kardashian: The feistiest of the Kardashian sisters, Khloe has bared her struggles with lasting relationships on both Keeping up with the Kardashians and Kourteney and Khloe Take Miami. After ending a relationship and enduring being set up on dates by her sisters, Khloe found her perfect match in basketball star, Lamar Odom. Despite everyone’s raised eyebrows, Khloe threw caution to the wind and decided to get married to Lamar after dating for only about a month. I guess when you know, you know. Way to go Khloe for following your heart! (Oh, and for always going to bat for your family. Especially when it comes to Scott!)

9. Kandi Burruss: After debuting on The Real Housewives of Atlanta this season, Kandi became a popular cast member for her laid back, no-nonsense ways. During the season, viewers watched as she began to rebuild her career as a musical performer while managing the drama between her mother and fiancé. Prior to the end of the season, Kandi suffered the sudden and tragic loss of her ex-fiance, AJ. The courage she showed in opening up to her fans during the reunion show, only days after the tragedy, was admirable.

8. Wendy Williams: In 2009, the ‘Queen of all Media’ said goodbye to her hilarious, infamous, and successful radio show to pursue her career as a TV talk show host. In spite of all that the critics had to say, this diva has dominated her market with solid ratings and continued to expand her empire! Even though I miss this ‘friend in my head’ on the radio, I am so excited and inspired by her success. “How you doin’?!”

7. Elin Nordegren: The soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. Tiger Woods is proving that no amount of money can make her stay in a marriage with her ‘transgressions’ committing, porn star-screwing, philandering husband! After attempting to take matters into her own hands with a golf club (I would have, too!), Elin is gearing up to go the legal route and take Mr. Woods for half of his fortune, which she rightfully deserves. Way to look out for you and your children and not be swayed by Tiger waving money in your face. You’re gonna get it anyway. You go girl!

6. Britney Spears: After Britney lost her mind a few years ago (e.g. the stint in rehab, the bizarre shaved head incident, and the head-shaking, finger-wagging, hot mess VMA performance to name a few), I was pretty much convinced that this pop princess wouldn’t make her way back up on the throne. However, Ms. Spears has managed to do just that! With the support of her family, Britney released some toxic people from her life and embarked on a road to recovery. Britney is back and better than ever as is evident with her chart topping, comeback album, Circus. Good job, Brit Brit. We’re glad to have you back.

5. Jenny Sanford (wife of cheating South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford): Mama didn’t raise no fool when she raised Jenny Sanford! She refused to be one of ‘those women.’ The kind that just stands by and watches as their husbands publicly humiliates their family as he reveals his indiscretions. This brave and classy lady preferred to preserve her dignity in the wake of her husband’s admittance of his escapades on the ‘Appalachian Trail’ (aka Argentina). In the months that followed, Mrs. Sanford did attempt to reconcile, but after numerous failed attempts to do so, she has filed for divorce. Seeing as she was not only his wife but also his campaign manager and strategic adviser, she’ll be just fine!

4. Princess Tiana: Disney didn’t realize they were modeling their latest, trailblazing Princess after me! Not only is Tiana the first African-American Princess, but she is also the first princess I’ve ever noticed that believes in working hard and not waiting on a prince to come. This motivated and independent young woman is on a mission to make her dreams a reality! Perhaps Tiana’s fatal flaw (like mine) is that she prefers to do things herself, without help from others! In the end (I won’t give it away), Tiana learns that she must achieve balance in both her personal and professional life. I’m on my way to learning that lesson right now!

3. Sonia Sotomayor: I mean, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor! What a role model for not only Latinas, but for all women. During her confirmation hearings, pundits tried to come at her from every angle and ruffle her feathers, but she refused to be moved or shaken. The epitome of cool, calm, and collected, Justice Sotomayor simply answered each question with rock solid confidence. I say we change the saying, “We girls can do anything, right Barbie?” to “We girls can do anything, right Sonia?!”

2. Michelle Obama: Mrs. O is daily redefining what it means to be a First Lady. Not only is she by her husband’s side at appearances and engagements (in everything from J. Crew to Jason Wu), but she also makes time to help her daughters with their homework and tend to the White House garden. Somehow she manages to squeeze in workouts, too! However, her intrigue, appeal, and allure aren’t just about her impeccable style or her buff arms. It’s about how she manages to balance family and career with grace. How she manages to stand by her man, but also retain her own identity. With a husband who takes center stage, Mrs. O has notably made her own mark on American culture and society. Cheers to you, Michelle! Can I get a fist bump?

1. Sujeiry Gonzalez: Lovemionline.com’s founder truly epitomizes today’s modern entrepreneur. In less than a year, she has taken her brainchild from an idea to a full-fledged business! Seeing a void in dating and relationships media, she created a site that would cater to love lives of Latinas. While she’s had to make sacrifices and overcome obstacles to make Lovemionline.com a success, she’s done so with courage and cojones! Never afraid to speak her mind or wholeheartedly pursue her dreams, Sujeiry is well on her way to expanding her empire! Power to the pepas! (Sujeiry's work can now be found at LoveSujeiry.com)

See you in the New Year!