Forgive

I have never been one to hold grudges. Even when they were warranted, I could just never bring myself to do so. I found that while it is not always easy to forgive, it is far better for my soul to forgive or just let go. Why let hate or anger grow where love and happiness should reside?

I have forgiven for the minor infractions of forgotten phone calls and misunderstandings. I have forgiven even for the more hurtful heartbreaks, half truths, and let downs.

What I have found is that the one person I have the hardest time forgiving is myself. Forgiving myself for making mistakes. For wasting time on the wrong person. For not being as strong or as confident as I am supposed to be. For not having all the answers. For doubting the plan.

It isn’t an overnight process and only comes with time. I am working at becoming more constructive in my criticism of myself. I’m gradually learning to let go of the idea of my perceived perfection and taking myself off the pedestal others have placed me on. I, too, am human and am learning to embrace my flaws and relish the fact that life gives you second chances to rectify your mistakes.

I Knew

I knew. Every situation with every guy that didn’t work out, I always knew. Maybe not right away, but at some point, I got that feeling, and subsequently ignored it. I knew it wasn’t the right fit. Or the right person. Or the right time. Or I knew it was just flat out wrong. I knew. But more importantly, God knew. And in His infinite wisdom, He allowed the road blocks that prevented each situation from materializing or advancing forward. Road blocks necessary because in my stubborn desire to “fix things” or “force things,” I lacked the strength to honestly assess and handle the situation myself. Road blocks designed to protect me from more hurt than He allowed me to feel. Road blocks steering me onto the course I am meant to travel. Road blocks I am growing to need less and less as I learn more about myself, what I want, and what I am willing to tolerate or not tolerate. I knew. And hopefully from now on I’ll know.