My Social Experiment

1/2/11

In turning 30, I decided a new decade deserved a new leaf. My love life in the year prior left much to be desired so I decided to branch out and do something different. Since insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same outcome, I decided to venture down a different path and abandon my sometimes closed off, sometimes aloof, and sometimes picky ways. I dared to step a toe outside my comfort zone, go out on a limb, and let down my sometimes impenetrable walls and enter the world of online dating. For a social butterfly like myself who typically does better in person, I figured at best I would meet someone great and at worst have more stories to add to my growing arsenal. My social experiment taught me a lot, but I also learned that I have a lot more to learn…

The first gentleman I met, I’ll call Mr. Snooze. He was a good looking guy and seemed engaging in his email so I decided to transition to a phone call. My first impression was that he was a little boring, but in the “new me” mode and with the gentle prodding of my friends to be “more open,” against my gut, I went out with him anyway. Well, I learned that looks aren’t everything. Now I understand we are all different and see the world from different perspectives and that we all have insecurities and baggage, but I also know that first dates aren’t the place we should unload those. Reveal your crazy one card at a time, people! After being mildly insulted by a few comments and being put off by some of the things he laughed at during the comedy show, I decided that it was best not to go out with him again.

Two weeks later, I had another date. I was on a roll. Well, on a roll for a girl like me who is often called picky. Prior to the date, we had a great phone call. He was everything Mr. Snooze was not. Engaging. Funny. Charismatic. I arrived uncharacteristically early to the bar where we were meeting. He followed about 10 minutes later and I immediately knew that he was Mr. Never Gonna Get It. Zero chemistry on my end. For someone who knows good chemistry, I knew it would take every ounce of maturity to put on my big girl pants and be a gracious date. I also knew to lay the foundation of my exit strategy as I began talking about my 10 mile training and the early run I had in the morning. I confirmed (yet again) that I definitely know when it’s a no.

Around the same time there was a third gentleman who seemed to have the best attributes of both of the other guys. He was known as Mr. Front Runner, but soon became known as Mr. Fade Out. For whatever reason, things never got off the ground. We exchanged a few emails and texts, talked about getting together, but just never did. I was reminded that we are often unaware of what is going on with the other person. Perhaps he had met someone else who was a better fit and was just keeping his options open until he knew for sure. Or maybe not. The world may never know. I did, however, open up to the idea that in some cases, it might not be about me. It might just not be meant to be.
After that trio, life got a bit busy and I took an unofficial hiatus from the online dating world. I retained a profile, but focused less on actively engaging with it on a regular basis. In the meantime, I reconnected with someone I had known for a few years, but with whom the timing was never quite right. I wondered if this time it would be. While I don’t claim having a “type,” he does have one of the unifying qualities I tend to find attractive (i.e. He’s a good guy, but has enough edge to keep him interesting.) After spending a day with him in his city, I realized that I wanted (dare I say, needed) those kind of days in my life. Days that turned into evenings in the blink of an eye filled with comfortable conversation and comfortable silence, long lunches, and lots of laughs. At this point, I was faced with a choice. Go out on a limb and share my feelings or forever wonder “what if?” Time to grow a pair. With the support of amazing friends I’m so lucky to have, I mustered up enough courage to open the door to something more. As life would have it, there were a few factors as to why things did not progress beyond friendship which is why this gentleman is my Mr. Almost Doesn’t Count. While the outcome wasn’t what I desired, I learned that I do have the capacity to be honest about my feelings and that when one of those great long days comes my way again, I’ll know I’m on to something!

Karma. They call her a bitch so I have always known to treat her with respect and avoid any negative interactions with her. This would prove to be a wise choice as the year unfolded. So, the next gentleman I met was a very nice guy. Very nice. Nice, but… Long story short, I met him through friends of friends and, again, in “being more open,” I decided to go out with him. Like I mentioned, he was very, very nice, but…there was no chemistry for me. None. So at the end of the date, I said my thank you and goodbye quickly to avoid any possible awkward kiss dodging moments (I do not pity kiss!). I assumed he would take the hint and would only pursue a friendship, if anything, with me. Wrong! I lamely played the busy card a few times and prayed he’d get it. He didn’t. Damn these big girl pants! I agonized over how to let him down gently. After all, he was really nice and we had common friends and I hate awkwardness! Somehow, I found the right words to say that indicated I wasn’t interested without being harsh. Through the whole situation with Mr. Karma, I learned that a no is still a no, there is a fine line between appealing and appalling, and in any situation, you can always be kind.

I missed being with someone I found appealing. I missed chemistry. I missed all those things that make all these shenanigans worth it. I was so far removed that I could barely remember what that was like. Barely. What I did remember was Mr. Throwback. He was appealing. We had chemistry. And for some brief period, I thought that situation was worth it. We hadn’t been in contact in quite some time. Hmmm…The wheels started spinning. Was it worth investigating that again? Knowing I’d likely be told that it wasn’t, I kept these thoughts to myself. But if you know me, you know the way to my deepest secrets is to let me write it or give me a few drinks. Over happy hour one night, I spilled the beans and revealed these secret thoughts to one friend who knew the right questions to ask! She never told me what (or what not) to do, but listened as I processed. We both knew I wouldn’t be satisfied if I didn’t at least open the lines of communication with him. I did. The response was the typical, mysterious non response. Nothing had changed. And this time, I filled in the blanks and connected the dots myself and realized that it was time to let that one lie. For good. I learned that not all fashions, styles, or relationships are worth repeating.

While I’m not sure if I have a complete idea of what I’m looking for, I definitely have figured out a lot of things I am not looking for! One summer night, I was making pleasant conversation at the bar with some young gentlemen, Mr. Young One. One of the young gentlemen decided he was enamored and proceeded to follow me around the rest of the night. Like a puppy dog. Oh no, no, no. That’s never going to work. That’s not sexy. While I appreciated the flattery, I could not take him seriously. I, like the next woman, enjoy attention. However, how that attention is displayed is important because I still need to feel like a woman and not like some statue on a pedestal or treat in a bakery! I learned that the right kind of man will know how to do just that!

Summer also brought the situation in which karma finally threw me a bone. I decided to dust off and resurrect my online dating profile again. After seeing a couple of friends have positive experiences with it, I figured I had nothing to lose giving it another whirl. After a few rounds of serious pre-screening (because some of these fools are crazy!), I ended up exchanging emails with someone that I was actually interested in meeting. He was cute and nice and seemed funny and interesting, so I decided to meet him. He really was all of those things – cute, nice, funny, and interesting. I actually had a good time. I didn’t know what to expect, but that was certainly progress. I was so caught off guard by this fact that at the end of the date, I froze and barely kissed him back. (I know. I know! While I’m not still actively kicking myself for that now as I was for the week following, I still shake my head at the thought.) While I’m sure that wasn’t the only reason things didn’t pan out, I’m sure it didn’t help. A few days later, I received the nicest let down email from him. Karma threw me a bone! Rather than having to endure the what ifs and the wonder whys with another fade out artist, I actually had an honest response that was kind and respectful. Through meeting Mr. Faith Restoration, I was reminded of some lessons I had learned previously in life. You can’t force things that aren’t meant to be, once in a while you might actually want to kiss him (so be ready), and you can always be kind.

I’d endured all the above and decided that maybe I just needed to let loose, swing my pendulum in the opposite direction, and make something happen. While on this quest, I was introduced to a friend of a friend, Mr. Unexpected. I was so hell bent on my mission when we met, that it took a little while to register that I was attracted to him. It wasn’t until we were hanging out later that night that I had my Clueless-esque epiphany. While I wasn’t like Cher and finally figuring out that I loved Josh, I was figuring out something. There had been so few worthy options that I had forgotten that feeling of attraction until it had resurfaced. So often in my past I’d swing my pendulum toward open solely to the serious or open firmly to the fun and hold that stance without considering where I was, what I needed, or where the other person fit in the scenario. This time would be different. I considered where I was, what I needed, and where the other person fit in the scenario. I recalled the lesson learned that nothing forced ever works. As a result, I decided to let go of the reins, be open (not for the sake of being open, but to whatever was meant to be), and let it unfold. I knew that whatever happened would be not because I forced it to go that way, but because that was just the way it was meant to be. The remaining details are superfluous to the lesson learned. (I know. I know! But if you know me, you know how I tell stories anyway so this lack of details isn’t a shocker.) However, I learned that as each situation, experience, and opportunity presents itself to me, I have to take it as it is and consider it in the present.

As my life often goes, sometimes other responsibilities take priority and after Mr. Unexpected, my remaining interactions were limited and at best only reminded me of previous lessons learned. With the holiday season in full swing, I decided to abandon my social experiment and focuses solely on my family and friends and reflecting on where I’d been and where I was headed.
So as I enter into 31 better equipped than I was as I entered 30, I am committed to owning this journey – good, bad, ugly, and in between. Where it will ultimately lead, I don’t know, but I will work at embracing the unknown. Not the easiest thing for a sometimes OCD, planner like me, but what else can I do, but surrender to my lot in life. I can only control what I can control and that’s me, my attitude, my actions, and my reactions. I can laugh instead of cry. I can see the silver linings in my clouds. I can listen only to the voices that matter and ignore those that “mean well,” but have no bearing on my life. I can refuse to settle for less than I deserve. I can balance being open to opportunities with knowing what works for me and proceed accordingly. I can live freely, fiercely, and fully. I can keep learning.

And so, friends, remember this. Life will give you experiences that challenge you. You’ll have bumps in the road and sometimes you’ll fall off that limb on to which you stepped out. The true measure of your character is in how you pick yourself, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward. It isn’t always easy and sometimes you might need to stay down for a minute to gather your strength, but with a network of supportive friends to help shoulder the burden, you’ll be just fine.

Easy Beginnings

3/23/10

We met through friends of friends at the beach one weekend and instantly hit it off. We had so much in common and found ourselves chatting frequently during our weekend stay. At the end of the weekend, we realized we wouldn't see each other at the beach again for three weekends, so we made plans to catch a movie the following weekend back in the city.

Our Sunday matinee movie was followed by dinner where we shared our stories and more than a few laughs. At the end of dinner, we made plans to be in touch again soon. I knew this was the beginning of something good. And thus was the beginning of our relationship. The catch? This wasn't the start of my relationship with my latest great love, but rather with my latest great girlfriend! As I thought about the forging of this friendship, I could only think to myself, “If only finding my match was this easy!”
I loved how Bianca and I just clicked. We were like-minded women. Smart. Sassy. Strong. Confident. Fun. And, of course, it helped that we both appreciated a booty-shaking good time! And this isn’t the first time I’ve had such an experience. When I met my friend Brian, I knew instantly we were going to be friends. He felt familiar. It was so easy. It was like we had been friends all along. I was totally comfortable with him and trusted him even though we had just met. Years later, our friendship is still going strong. So why wasn’t this transferring to my relationships?

I share the theory of some that in the beginning of a relationship, it's supposed to be that easy. Before you encounter and handle the big, messy stuff as a couple, you are able to wallow in the wooing and bask in the bliss of the honeymoon phase. If the beginning isn't roses and daisies, if you are worrying about if he’s going to stay or going to go, then maybe this isn't going to be the next great love because it just isn't supposed to be that hard in the beginning. Maybe that’s where, in the past, I have fallen down. Maybe because it had been a while or maybe because I was blinded by the attraction that I didn’t see all of the red flags and warning signs at the beginning. Maybe those roses and daisies I “saw” were actually weeds of inaction and inconsistency. Perhaps if I’d revisited the theory, I would have seen it for what it was worth and held out for something better, just like what happened with my friend Michael.

Recently, Michael met a girl at a party. After a busy few weeks, when I finally caught up with him, they were already on the fast track of making weekend plans together. Not the generic, still-getting-to-know-you-dinner-then-hang-out-at-the-bar weekend plans. Legitimate we-are-in-a-relationship-going-away-for-the-weekend-plans. Wow! I couldn't believe how quickly they'd fallen so comfortably into a routine of meshing their lives together. When I pried a bit, he relayed the information I pretty much figured he would, having knowledge of his recent dating experiences. It just wasn't complicated with her when they met. They knew they liked each other and went with it. No drama. No games. No nonsense.

It’s funny. I never really bought into that whole, “you know when you know” concept. I guess I just needed some sort of context. And while I haven’t met anyone who’s stuck like my friends have stuck, I’m optimistic that I will and when I do, I’ll know. I'm hopeful that just like I knew with my friendship with Bianca and just like I knew when I slipped into my first pair of Jimmy Choos, I’ll know. With him, I’ll know.

Misadventures of Online Dating

3/9/10

After my not-so-successful experience on a few free online dating sites, I realized you must get what you pay for. And since the 'New Year, New Me Krista' had already dropped serious dollars on a winter getaway, what was another few dollars on this adventure? I’d gotten over my initial experience and figured it wouldn’t hurt to give it another whirl! Not that I was going to abandon my jam-packed social schedule of dinner parties, happy hours, and watching basketball games. I wasn’t going to put all my eggs in this one basket, but was hopeful that this would at least expand my options and encourage me to be more open.

So with no expectations, I carefully crafted my profile with the assistance of some friends. With a click, I was back in the game. It took a few weeks for things to get off the ground, but before long I was getting some hits. No. No. No. No. Maybe. No. No. No. Part of me felt a little guilty for being so judgmental. Then again, I was looking for someone who I’d actually be attracted to and able to have a conversation with so why waste my time? After a while, the guilt felt more like empowerment. I felt like I had a choice in the matter! I weeded through profile after profile for a few weeks before I found one that was a yes - Mr. Nice Guy.

From what he outlined in his profile, Mr. Nice Guy seemed like the kind of guy I'd been interested in meeting, but hadn't in a while (so that alone was encouraging). He was my age, attractive, lived close, and had hobbies and interests in addition to pounding back drinks. I could get used to this type of option! After a few email exchanges, our communication moved on to text messages. You know how I feel about those so you can imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when that led to an actual phone call. Well, as impressed as I was about the phone call, it made me want to get back up on my technology-is-the-devil-in-dating soapbox. Talk about BORING! If he could have seen my face, he might not have asked me out! I mean, I know it is hard getting to know people and perhaps the phone makes you nervous, but this conversation was just kinda awkward. I was definitely put off when his line of questioning strayed from “what do you do?” and “what movies do you like?” to “when was your last relationship?” and “what have the other guys you’ve met been like?” Whoa, homie! Pump the brakes! But in the spirit of being more open, I decided to accept his offer and meet him that weekend. After all, I think I’m much better in person than on the phone so maybe it applied to him as well.

As I hung up the phone, I realized that I had made the rookie mistake of accepting a Saturday night date as opposed to an after work drink. What was I thinking? The consequences of being out of the game too long. Oh well, I was committed and soon came the Saturday night date. We had a nice time and he definitely was a nice guy, but boring and awkward perpetuated. A few days later, he sent a very nice text acknowledging the lack of spark on both ends and wished me well. I appreciated his honesty and wished him well, too. On to the next one!

With the next time, it started out much differently. Our first phone conversation was at least an hour long. We had a lot to talk about and he was funny. I learned from the last one and our date was set up for a Monday night after work. Perfect! That would be easy to get out of if I needed to. Well, the moment of truth arrived. And, alas, I just wasn’t that attracted to him. I’m a classy lady though, so I went on with it. We still had a lot to talk about, but he too traveled down the path of asking about exes and other guys I was seeing. All up in my business!! ! And that’s not all. More of his true colors started to seep through and I realized he was Mr. In It to Win It. My friend Serena’s description of the guys you meet online that are on the fast track to relationship, marriage, and the baby carriage. In the course of our conversation, he referenced us as a ‘we’ multiple times and had already planned ahead to when I was hanging out with his friends. Whoa, homie! Pump the breaks! I conveniently dropped hints throughout our conversation about my race training so it was perfect that after a few appetizers I was able to find my way home.

Was it really going to be that hard to find one that stuck? One that was just right? I felt like Goldilocks (well, with darker hair and cuter shoes). I realized this wouldn’t be easy. Lots of trial and error. But, hey, she found one that was just right eventually, and I knew, so would I.

Krista is a thirtysomething who has been sharing her stories with her girlfriends for years. The sassy, yet sweet writer considers her audience an extension of her girlfriends network and hopes that through her writing, other women will find hope, humor, or solace.

Giving Up the Ghost

2/23/10

As I took a break from work, I picked up my Blackberry and noticed the icon indicating I had a new Facebook notification. I scrolled to the "f" and clicked. What I saw sent shockwaves through my body. "What the..." I muttered under my breath. My eyes popped out of my head but not before squinting and revising the text to be sure I was really reading what I was reading. "You've got to be kidding me!" I incredulously said in a louder tone. My coworker (and friend), Ashley, looked up over her computer at me. My eyes bulged again. "What?! What's going on?!" I asked her to give me a minute and I'd explain. I needed to talk, get a drink of water and make sense of the fact that I had just been Friend Requested by...him…

When I regained my composure, I was able to articulate to Ashley that him was the he who I hadn't heard from in a year and a half. Him that left me hanging after I made my intentions known. Him for whom she took me out for a bottle of Prosecco after I learned of the next chick after me. Him who I worked diligently to get over - and did! Him that hadn't crossed my mind in a long time. Until now.

And just like a ghost, he reappeared. My Ghost of Relationship Past. Somehow it doesn’t surprise me. I swear men all have some internal sensor that sounds an alarm like a K-mart Blue Light Special when they detect that you have moved on from them and are happy. Then, they choose that moment to find an entry point back into your life. The phone call out of the blue, the random, late night text, the awkward ‘how are you?’ email, and of course, the newly implemented, effortless friend request. (Yes. I'm still shaking my head at that one.) I know this isn’t an urban legend because I have countless lady friends of mine that have their own stories of ghosts of relationships past. Case in point - Sujeiry. Her recent column, The Ex-Factor described her reappearing ghosts and their attempts to get back with her. My second example ladies and gentlemen, my friend Monica. Her reaction to her ghost was the one I decided to adopt with mine. “Dude, our boat has not only sailed, but crashed and burned a lonnngg time ago. Sorry your slow ass missed the memo.”

Her response was hilarious, but not the only thing that I found amusing. It's funny how for a while, as I hung in the balance, this was exactly what I wanted. Some response. Some form of communication. Something. But now that I had it, it just seemed like too little too late. And, how ironic that this was the form of communication he chose? Typical. He chose the Avenue of Little Effort that I was lamenting about in my last column! (link to last post). What did I say again? Change one situation at a time? Be careful what you wish for. Here I was with my chance to stand up and say that this type of communication wasn't okay. To demand the right to legitimate and meaningful conversation for all women. (If only I could get that right added to the Constitution...) Now, what to do?

I'll admit it. For a minute there I doubted myself and my original choice to ignore him. While I've made great strides to be a woman that can take things at face value and be rational, I had a momentary relapse. The emotional side of me crept up. Enter, the what ifs. What if I did accept? If I did, would he then try to connect on a real level? What if things would be different? What if…?

What snapped me out of my what ifs? Well, being reminded of just how little effort he put into contacting me. If he wanted me in his life in a meaningful way (i.e. not our old pattern) he would have chosen a method of contact with more impact. And, of course, remembering the caliber of woman I am and what I deserve and hope in finding the kind of man that can be there for me in the way I need him to be. And with that, I decided to meet his action with my inaction and give up the ghost. I hit ‘ignore’ and sent my Ghost of Relationship Past packing…

Face Time

2/9/10

My friend Monica recently hit it off with a guy at a party. They snuck off to a corner, chatting for hours about the things men and women chat about when they are first connecting. (She must have been pretty engrossed as she missed my calls and texts!) We finally caught up a few days later for the debriefing. Inquiring minds, especially those of a fellow single girlfriend, wanted to know! I almost fell out of my chair when she told me that, after all that, he didn't even ask for her number! Really? Is this what we're working with? Is that all there is? I vented. Then I was left speechless (and I'm rarely speechless!) when she said he had the nerve to Facebook friend her after the fact. I repeat, really?! Is this what we're working with? Is that all there is?

This real life scenario begs me to ask another question: what's become of meeting and greeting in our society? Has technology destroyed our ability to interact in a meaningful capacity? Gone, it seems, are the days of hour-long first phone calls, declarations of feelings on looseleaf paper, and conversations that "define the relationship." Now, we are forced to reckon with the oh-so-not romantic first email, tone-lacking text messages, and a relationship status determined by who first indicates ‘In a Relationship with…’ on their Facebook profile. Where'd good old fashioned romance go? I mean, it's kinda hard to woo me with only 140 characters, homie!
I guess it is only happening because we’re allowing it. Otherwise, what else would have made that, "man-child" (i.e. Monica's term for a grown man who engages in childish behaviors) think that friend requesting her, as opposed to asking their mutual friend for her number, was an okay entry point into her life? I shouldn't be surprised I guess. In a recent conversation (well, Blackberry Messenger conversation...guilty as charged!) with my friend Allison, she described how she dated a guy for close to a year and probably talked to him on the phone twice! And I'm not exempt myself. I hang my head in shame at the fact that MySpace messages were a popular communication medium with me and Jason. They frequently trumped phone on phone action in our long distance relationship.

That's why when the last guy I met actually wanted to talk on the phone, I was nervous. I'd gotten so accustomed to the email/text/FB version of courtship that I questioned my own phone skills. Back in the pre-social networking era, my skills were sharp. Honed over years of experience. However, getting back into the phone groove was just like riding a bike. It took a few minutes to steady my balance, but once I got the hang of it, it was like I never forgot how to be cute and flirty and witty with my words. Let’s hope this trend continues.

Maybe this all doesn't sound worrisome to you now, but my paranoia strikes when I think about how even intimacy has become technologized. I mean, how are we ever going to get to mating if we barely figure out dating? And you know you can't make no babies if all you have is 'text sex.' (Well maybe that isn't such a bad thing for some of us right now...)

So, what's next? Can we make our way back to connecting on an authentic level? I'm a believer. And just like those subway ads for Dentyne gum proclaim, "face time" is important. No typewritten "xoxo" can ever compare to the magic and sparks of the real thing. No love tweet, no matter how well crafted, can ever capture the same sentiment of those words when shared over a meal. How do we make this change and avoid being permanently interpersonally challenged? My guess? One situation at a time. And on that note, I’m off to mix and mingle with the prospect!

Hello, 30!

1/26/10

Dear Thirties,

It was so nice to finally meet you! You were so gracious and welcoming. I loved every minute celebrating the commencement of our relationship. Now that the celebrations have died down and we are settling in together, I just wanted to let you know how I feel about you and what I am looking forward to in our journey together.

In the 2 weeks I've known you, you’ve already made such an impact on my life. I mean, I was always confident while with Twenties, but since I’ve met you, it has a different, more intense feel. It’s like I’m literally walking on sunshine! Somehow, meeting you has given me more clarity and awareness. I’ve traded my idealistic, rose-colored glasses and my cynical, jaded colored glasses for crystal clear ones! I know it is because of the baggage you made me leave behind with Twenties. You gave me the courage to let it go and leave it behind – and I did! It was so incredibly freeing to do so. Now I can focus on you and me. I’m thankful that you did allow me to bring the lessons I learned from all the mistakes. Having those to reference can only make our time together that much better.

Our time together is going to be quite an adventure! More pieces will fall into place. I’ll experience amazing life changes both personally and professionally. In honor of this adventure, I decided that in this first year together, I would engage in some sort of extra special adventure each month. Conquering fears, trying new things, learning more about life or myself. I’m eager to start with a solo vacation, learning trapeze, and running a 10-mile race. There will be more! I’m excited to come up with more adventures for us. Thirties, if it wasn’t for you changing my life, I wouldn’t be so willing to take life by the horns. Thanks for being so willing to come along for the ride.

While I know our time together won’t be perfect and we will have our share of challenges, I am confident that I’ll be able to handle them with courage, strength, and grace. And when I don’t, I know I’ll at least be able to find my way back to the path of courage, strength, and grace much sooner! Here’s to a beautiful and exciting adventure ahead!

Love,

Me

Goodbye, Twenties!

1/12/10

Dear Twenties,

It seems like only yesterday I was introduced to you. We started our relationship together with a party so legendary that people still talk about it today. And that night, as I slept off that Three Wise Men shot, I dreamt of our next ten years together, of the life depicted in movies and reinforced in real life. The life in which a few tumultuous single years are followed by love, marriage and a baby carriage. However, you had other plans for me. Plans that would challenge me to suck it up, grow up and challenge me to embrace and retain that child-like wonder. Plans that would show me the richness and fullness of my life just as it was. It didn’t happen overnight and it certainly wasn’t easy, but anything worth anything is never easy!

Those early years together were the most tumultuous with the most extreme highs and lows. The freedom of college allowed for new experiences and opportunities. I recall fondly the thrill of staying out until sun up after dancing the night away, not just one night but sometimes three in a row! However, I cringe when I think of many a night in which the outcome was an alcohol induced tear fest in the bathroom over someone not worth my tears. Twenties, how could you?! You let me handle my first heartbreak in such a tragic manner! Looking back at the girl I was then, I don’t know if I would want to hug her or smack her! I guess you knew I needed to get it out then because that wouldn’t be a good thing at 29. And eventually, you helped me find better ways to cope. You taught me that it was okay to open up. You’d brought me such amazing friends because you knew how much I would need them. And while I was still a tough cookie to crack and hadn’t yet learned the art of being less of a control freak, I was working toward that.

As we moved into the murky middle of our time together, we started anew. New job. New city. New start. I was embracing my life as a single city girl and loving it. But of course, you had to rock the boat! You had some challenges in your back pocket just waiting to test me. I was living my fabulous life of celebrity hot spots, expensive, designer jeans, and twelve dollar cocktails without a care in the world, when one day, I looked up and noticed what I was missing. Where was my doting husband and adorable curly headed child? Wasn’t I supposed to be a homeowner by now? I mean, my designer jeans were fabulous, but they couldn’t give me a back rub after a long day! And all those twelve-dollar cocktails were delicious, but they couldn’t put a roof over my head. I asked myself these questions repeatedly and, Twenties, they fell on your deaf ears. But you knew I needed to learn that this time wasn’t my time for those things. I still had a lot of living and learning to do on my own before I could trade my lifestyle for strollers and strip malls.

The last few years with you often felt like the first few with the highs and the lows. Time had given me a career I loved and valuable friendships. Those sustained me when, again, I was faced with a major disappointment and questioned where I was and what I wanted. Through it all, I learned to release some of my control and allow others to be my strength. And with time, you allowed me to stabilize my shaken confidence and restored me to a place of peace. As our time together wanes and I prepare to meet Thirties, my hope is that I’ll be able to recapture the joy of our glory days together, armed with the knowledge from all of my battle scars!

So Twenties, thank you for your memories, your lessons, your joys, your pains, your triumphs, your trials, your brightest days and your darkest hours. Without them, I wouldn't be nearly as strong, nearly as confident, or nearly as ready to embark on the next adventure called Thirties. You will be missed, but take comfort in knowing I am excited to get to know Thirties. And even though our relationship didn’t bring us love, marriage, or the baby carriage, it was best that you didn’t. You knew I wasn’t ready. I now know that things are exactly as they are supposed to be even though they are not the way I anticipated they would be. I appreciate you for allowing me to discover just that.

Farewell. It’s been real, but I’ve only just begun!

Love,

Me

So Worthy Women of 2009

12/29/09


As I look back on the challenges of 2009, certain women have inspired me by living up to the words of Frederick Douglass: “Without struggle, there is no progress.” While I don’t know most of them personally, how they have handled themselves in the public eye has been of great influence.

Here is my top 10 list of the “So Worthy” Women of 2009. Whether it was the struggles they endured, the obstacles they overcame, or character they displayed in the face of criticism, these women have truly defined what it means to be “So Worthy.”

10. Khloe Kardashian: The feistiest of the Kardashian sisters, Khloe has bared her struggles with lasting relationships on both Keeping up with the Kardashians and Kourteney and Khloe Take Miami. After ending a relationship and enduring being set up on dates by her sisters, Khloe found her perfect match in basketball star, Lamar Odom. Despite everyone’s raised eyebrows, Khloe threw caution to the wind and decided to get married to Lamar after dating for only about a month. I guess when you know, you know. Way to go Khloe for following your heart! (Oh, and for always going to bat for your family. Especially when it comes to Scott!)

9. Kandi Burruss: After debuting on The Real Housewives of Atlanta this season, Kandi became a popular cast member for her laid back, no-nonsense ways. During the season, viewers watched as she began to rebuild her career as a musical performer while managing the drama between her mother and fiancé. Prior to the end of the season, Kandi suffered the sudden and tragic loss of her ex-fiance, AJ. The courage she showed in opening up to her fans during the reunion show, only days after the tragedy, was admirable.

8. Wendy Williams: In 2009, the ‘Queen of all Media’ said goodbye to her hilarious, infamous, and successful radio show to pursue her career as a TV talk show host. In spite of all that the critics had to say, this diva has dominated her market with solid ratings and continued to expand her empire! Even though I miss this ‘friend in my head’ on the radio, I am so excited and inspired by her success. “How you doin’?!”

7. Elin Nordegren: The soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. Tiger Woods is proving that no amount of money can make her stay in a marriage with her ‘transgressions’ committing, porn star-screwing, philandering husband! After attempting to take matters into her own hands with a golf club (I would have, too!), Elin is gearing up to go the legal route and take Mr. Woods for half of his fortune, which she rightfully deserves. Way to look out for you and your children and not be swayed by Tiger waving money in your face. You’re gonna get it anyway. You go girl!

6. Britney Spears: After Britney lost her mind a few years ago (e.g. the stint in rehab, the bizarre shaved head incident, and the head-shaking, finger-wagging, hot mess VMA performance to name a few), I was pretty much convinced that this pop princess wouldn’t make her way back up on the throne. However, Ms. Spears has managed to do just that! With the support of her family, Britney released some toxic people from her life and embarked on a road to recovery. Britney is back and better than ever as is evident with her chart topping, comeback album, Circus. Good job, Brit Brit. We’re glad to have you back.

5. Jenny Sanford (wife of cheating South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford): Mama didn’t raise no fool when she raised Jenny Sanford! She refused to be one of ‘those women.’ The kind that just stands by and watches as their husbands publicly humiliates their family as he reveals his indiscretions. This brave and classy lady preferred to preserve her dignity in the wake of her husband’s admittance of his escapades on the ‘Appalachian Trail’ (aka Argentina). In the months that followed, Mrs. Sanford did attempt to reconcile, but after numerous failed attempts to do so, she has filed for divorce. Seeing as she was not only his wife but also his campaign manager and strategic adviser, she’ll be just fine!

4. Princess Tiana: Disney didn’t realize they were modeling their latest, trailblazing Princess after me! Not only is Tiana the first African-American Princess, but she is also the first princess I’ve ever noticed that believes in working hard and not waiting on a prince to come. This motivated and independent young woman is on a mission to make her dreams a reality! Perhaps Tiana’s fatal flaw (like mine) is that she prefers to do things herself, without help from others! In the end (I won’t give it away), Tiana learns that she must achieve balance in both her personal and professional life. I’m on my way to learning that lesson right now!

3. Sonia Sotomayor: I mean, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor! What a role model for not only Latinas, but for all women. During her confirmation hearings, pundits tried to come at her from every angle and ruffle her feathers, but she refused to be moved or shaken. The epitome of cool, calm, and collected, Justice Sotomayor simply answered each question with rock solid confidence. I say we change the saying, “We girls can do anything, right Barbie?” to “We girls can do anything, right Sonia?!”

2. Michelle Obama: Mrs. O is daily redefining what it means to be a First Lady. Not only is she by her husband’s side at appearances and engagements (in everything from J. Crew to Jason Wu), but she also makes time to help her daughters with their homework and tend to the White House garden. Somehow she manages to squeeze in workouts, too! However, her intrigue, appeal, and allure aren’t just about her impeccable style or her buff arms. It’s about how she manages to balance family and career with grace. How she manages to stand by her man, but also retain her own identity. With a husband who takes center stage, Mrs. O has notably made her own mark on American culture and society. Cheers to you, Michelle! Can I get a fist bump?

1. Sujeiry Gonzalez: Lovemionline.com’s founder truly epitomizes today’s modern entrepreneur. In less than a year, she has taken her brainchild from an idea to a full-fledged business! Seeing a void in dating and relationships media, she created a site that would cater to love lives of Latinas. While she’s had to make sacrifices and overcome obstacles to make Lovemionline.com a success, she’s done so with courage and cojones! Never afraid to speak her mind or wholeheartedly pursue her dreams, Sujeiry is well on her way to expanding her empire! Power to the pepas! (Sujeiry's work can now be found at LoveSujeiry.com)

See you in the New Year!

The Backup List

12/22/09

"I would definitely add you to my back up list."

I'm not sure if my expression revealed shock, surprise, or suspiciousness when my loose-lipped acquaintance uttered this statement. If I had the ability to raise an eyebrow, I would have raised it at him! Instead, I questioned exactly where I would rank on this hypothetical list, if I, hypothetically, chose to accept a spot on the roster. I mean, I'm nobody's number seven anything! When I was penciled in for number two, (hypothetically, of course) I simply shook my head and changed the topic. It did, however, prompt me to think of a similar deal I had made years ago as a young twentysomething.

Maybe I had seen it on My Best Friend's Wedding or read it in the pages of Cosmo. Or maybe I had just concocted the idea myself. Regardless of its origin, I knew I needed to secure a back up and decided to contact a worthy friend. Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney chose the age of 28. That seemed a bit young so we negotiated that 32 was an appropriate age to settle down with each other. After all, we got along. We'd have a good life. And, most importantly, we'd have cute children.

In the midst of all this discussion, I didn't realize my idea of settling down was actually settling. Settling for what I could get rather than what I should get. Settling for how it would appear to others rather than how it would feel to me. Things I realize now, as I approach 30, might not be worth the trade off of having a ring on my finger. Not that I don't want the ring; I just want it under the right circumstances.

Before I came to this conclusion, I toyed with the idea of my back up for a while longer. The terms of the deal were eventually negotiated to make our deadline age 36. That was my new scary age. I’d settled on that age for a while. That is until two years ago when my friend got sick of the dating scene and out of the blue wanted to change 36 to 30. Whoa! Pump the brakes! At that point, 30 was in clear sight and even though I hadn’t yet met my match, I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel on that possibility yet. And, maybe I wasn’t ever going to be ready. By nature, I’ve never been a quitter, so why would I quit on this? Why would I quit on me? Like Renee, 29, said, “I’d rather be alone than just settle down with anyone…why would I want to live with someone I’m not truly in love with?”

Maybe my story will change in 10 years when the stakes are higher and my biological clock is ticking. Maybe I will have a new scary age. However, for now, I’ve abandoned the idea all together. Part of the reason is since that time, I’ve met so many amazing individuals, men and women, who have made it to and past 36 and have full, interesting, and rich lives without a marriage. Seeing the zeal and passion with which they live makes it a lot less scary to think about myself in the same situation. As far as the back up list is concerned, while the agreement is still technically on the table, I don’t know if I could ever go through with it. I guess I need to tell him that! As for the recent friend who placed me at number 2, I simply laughed it off. While I am sorta kinda (but not really) flattered to be the type of woman who would make the back up list at all, I’m holding out for the man who wants me (and only me) to be his number one.

K's Rules of Order

12/8/09

Growing up, I was a goody two shoes. The obedient child teacher’s wish they had a class full of. The kid that always followed the rules. Sure, I bent a few rules, but never had I flat out broken one. Never had I taken a rule and snapped it like a twig and said "to hell with you!" Perhaps it was my strict and traditional upbringing or maybe it is just my nature. I mean, I do spend my days enforcing rules with children. No matter what the reason, my rule abiding nature has seeped into my budding dating life.

I'm sure those reckless rule breakers out there find this hard to believe, but not only did I follow the rules, but I began creating my own. "I don't call boys." "I won't date anyone who isn't at least 6 feet tall." At 17, I had pages and pages of rules for whom I would date and how I would date them. Over the years, I added to the list. Some of the rules were legitimate (and still standing) like choosing someone who makes me strive to be a better person. Others were arbitrary and slightly ridiculous like “can't listen to techno”. What was I thinking? I mean, I'm still going to knock it, but it doesn't mean that he needs to be excluded from the list of potential suitors because he has odd taste in music.

So while I never broke one of my rules, I did start to let some go. In my experience, I began to discover that the older we get, the less stringent we are with our arbitrary rules. We start to realize that some of our most amazing experiences happen when we aren't concerned with coloring within the lines. For instance, Shanna, 39, would have never met her husband 10 years ago if she clung too tightly to her rule of never dating a guy who was divorced or had children. When she met Rick, he had been divorced about 8 years and had a 7-year-old son. However, that didn't stop Rick from treating her like a queen, calling when he said he would, and making her a priority. She realized that life is messy and our girlhood dreams don't always come to fruition in the way in which we imagined.

If Amber, 31, had obsessed about dating a guy a few years younger like she would have in her early twenties, she would have missed out on meeting Noah. Sure there were some fashion trends and TV shows he didn't quite remember, but when it came down to her non-negotiables, there was no question. He was "her age" in the areas that really mattered.

Hey, and we wouldn't have the dynamic duo known as our first couple if Michelle was concerned that Barack wasn't as advanced in his career as she was when they met. Their natural connection, her ability to see his potential, and, most importantly, her ability to see his character made all the difference.

In thinking back on some of the possibilities I shot down because I was too stubborn to let myself say” I met him at a bar” or that would I “look bad” to others for choosing him. Who was I to hold myself back based on someone else’s rules? The only rules I'm going to keep from now on are to be open to whatever life, God, and the Universe present to me and to do the things that make me happy. Life's too short to live by anyone else's rules or to make decisions based on others and how they live their lives. With thirty just around the corner, I feel like there is no time like the present to start making these changes in my life. The girl I was before would have approached these changes with an attitude of “ready, or not” (and by that, I mean, mostly not!). However, the courageous, bold, and open-hearted woman I have evolved into is approaching the changes with an attitude of simply ready. Game on!

Walking the Line

11/24/09

Before I knew it, we were the last two standing at the bar. Fueled by more than a few shots of vodka, one minute Brad and I were struggling to talk over the blaring music and the next minute we were lip locked. That was a typical evening for 25-year-old me. The good life of living with reckless abandon.

I recalled this fond memory of my yesteryears soon after things with Lorenzo fizzled. There were no more prospects so I had lots of time to stroll down memory lane. Feeling the stress of work and life, I longed for the days (and nights) of my early twenties when stumbling in stilettos from hot spot to hot spot, 4 a.m. pizza pit stops, and makeout sessions at the bar were acceptable common practice. Very few of us had crossed over to that lake called love and set up camp with a significant other. I was one among many and was having the time of my life.

Eventually the partying lost its luster and I realized that this almost 30-year-old body couldn’t do it like it used to anymore. That this almost 30-year-old body craved Friday nights curled up on the couch with pajamas, a movie, and a glass of wine as opposed to pounding the pavement en route to the latest line behind the velvet rope. Furthermore, I started to remember some of the other pitfalls of that phase in my life. There were the boys that didn’t call (even after the great kisses in the backs of cabs and the promises of dates to come). There were the boys that were emotionally unavailable, like Brad, who once slept in his shoes to not-so-subtly prove he wasn’t sticking around for the long haul. Then there were the blisters from the stilettos that hadn’t been worn in and the vicious mornings of making friends with the toilet after downing too many drinks. Maybe that wasn’t the good life after all.

With further thought and reflection, I realized that maybe what I needed was to settle down. The sudden onset of multiple friends getting engaged, getting preggers, or getting serious, had spurred heart palpitations, shallow breaths, and cold sweats! I exaggerate, but seriously, as excited as I was to share in their joy, their progress forced me to reckon with my own life’s journey, which at this point felt like being in a car with the wheels spinning in place. Lots of effort and energy expended, but in the same place I began. Not that I think it’s a race to the altar or the delivery room (especially in light of the break ups I’ve seen). I’m not in a rush. But in looking around, seeing how my camp had dwindled, and not seeing any potential, I felt like having a Charlotte moment and shouting , “Where is he?!” from my rooftop. I want the house with the picket fence and the car with the car seats for my 2.5 kids. The dreams of my girlhood that I thought I’d have by now.

So that's where I stood after Lorenzo. Walking the line between the girlhood of my past and the womanhood of my future. One foot in each door. Straddling the fence. But with more thought and reflection, I changed my perspective. I realized that real life isn’t always what you expect, but always what you need. Growing up in a strict household, I needed this wild phase in my life to develop into who I am. To be stronger, wiser, and better equipped to handle what’s next. To enjoy not having to answer to anyone. To be free to sleep in Saturdays and have spur of the moment brunch Sundays. To realize that I didn’t want him to call me back in the first place. To upgrade to Absolut and avoid the hangover from Aristocrat. I realized I can’t change my past nor can I rush my future, but what I can control is my perspective in the present and to savor this moment. After all, life is a gift. Live in it. Learn in it.

The Anthony Effect

11/10/09

I heard the beep from my Blackberry while chopping tomatoes for my salad. The sudden noise snapped me out my daze and I immediately pushed the track ball twice to reveal the contents of my mailbox. It was his reply text. Lorenzo's reply text! And in it he had asked me out. I replied with an earnest yes. Two more text messages later and we had finalized the details for our next encounter.

We met for a late dinner on a chilly Thursday night. I was a little nervous. It had been a while since I'd been on a date. Also, I couldn't help but think about my past patterns. The murky middle between just meeting a guy and ending up in a relationship had always been the area where I struggled. However, I had fully committed to being a new me. So with a sweep of lip gloss and a fluff of my hair, I was on my way.

The first half hour was great. We talked about our days and what was going on in the world. However, as our conversation transitioned into our interests, I began to realize that we didn't have as much in common as I initially thought. As more than a few awkward lulls popped into the conversation, I began to wonder how much further I would pursue this. Then, like magic, we found ourselves overlapping and on the same page again. Maybe I should give it a chance, I thought.

I engaged in this internal debate as we left our dinner spot and went elsewhere for a post dinner drink. As we walked (and my mind continued to race), I wondered if maybe this was just a case of the Anthony effect. The Anthony effect, named in honor of a guy I met at an out of town party, is a scenario in which a guy seems to have more potential than he actually does because you have so little in common with every other guy around. Such lack of opinions then magnifies what you have in common with that one guy. Let's take my friend Elisa, 31, and her video game obsessed “Anthony” as an example. "I met this guy out one night when I had gone to a swanky, celebrity packed lounge. I usually frequent more laid back places so I was instantly intrigued by the guy who also looked like he'd be more comfortable elsewhere. We had a good time that night, but when we met up the following week, I realized it was never going to work. I guess we never got around to talking about his video game obsession or his judgmental views on my non-profit work that first night."

Hmmm. Maybe I was having a similar experience. Lorenzo didn't have any outstanding obsessions (that I noticed) and didn't judge my field of work, but I did find his sense of humor a little off. Could I really go on another date where I had to feign laughter or force myself to find something to say? Did having so little in common with everyone else at the speeddating event made Lorenzo appear to be a better match? Don’t get me wrong. It was by no means the worst date ever, but it wasn't going down in the records for the best either. We just weren't aligned.

Our date ended at my door without a goodbye kiss. I made my way up the stairs toward my apartment and realized that while Lorenzo wasn't going to be my next great love affair, my experience with him was valuable for the improved me. Perhaps this was the kick-start I needed to be open to whoever and whatever is next. Perhaps, now going forward, I can conquer the murky middle with the next prospect. If nothing else, the practice and progress of this experience has certainly prepared me for the possibilities just around the corner. And I’d be sure that around the next corner there would be no more Anthony’s.

Yes, I Can!

10/27/09

The leaves have changed from green to gold and I've traded my strapless dresses and flip flops for sweater dresses and boots. Fall is officially here, and the change of season reminds me of how life also changes. My season of change didn't coincide with my wardrobe changes, however. Weeks after my shoulders had last seen the light of day (or the dark of night for that matter), they wore an invisible weight that I desperately needed to shed. It wasn't the weight of the world that I bore, but rather the weight of my own fear and frustration. Fear that I'd never again meet anyone worthy. Frustration with all of the unworthy ones I'd met.

I'd been feeling this way for a while, but was unable or unwilling to do anything about it until I made a deal with myself one night this summer. I resolved that if my dating bad luck hadn't changed by summer's end, I’d have to try something different. I'd have to change my game. That’s why I tried online dating. But when my stint with online dating was unsuccessful at best, I thought that sticking to something a little closer to my personality was worth a shot. Being a natural people person who responds best to one-on-one interactions, I figured speed dating might be more up my alley. So when the opportunity presented itself to attend an event, I put on my patent party heels and went for it!

I arrived before my friend, so I made my way over to the bar to get my drink. Even though I had no expectations, I needed a little bit of liquid courage to start things off. At the bar, I exchanged pleasantries with a couple of other ladies who were first time speed daters as well. When I mentioned the neighborhood I lived in, one of the ladies chimed in, “I think he lives there, too.” I turned around and was face to face with Lorenzo. I was intrigued by his smile and we struck up a conversation. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), we were participants in two separate events so we put our conversation on hold and went to our respective floors of the bi-level bar. The event was fun, but the selection left something to be desired. I chalked it up to it being a fun opportunity to flirt and keep my skills sharp for when it really matters. But then I ran into Lorenzo later at the afterparty and my interest was piqued.

We spent much of the evening getting to know each other. As we sat closely on the bench and sipped our drinks, we exchanged details about our likes, our frustrations, our friends. Surprisingly enough, as the night progressed, my inner dialogue was only between me and Decisive Diva. I was cool, calm, and confident. I knew exactly what I wanted out of this evening so Can't Make Up Her Mind Mama never surfaced.

Our evening ended with a goodnight kiss at my door and a goodbye. Two days later, I hadn't heard from him, so I was debating what to do. I texted a friend of mine who has a few more years in the game than me. I recounted the story and asked for her advice to which she responded, “Send him a text. Something along the lines of ‘Good to meet you. Let’s grab a drink sometime soon.’” Interesting. “Boys are stupid and you are smart,” she continued. “Gotta give them hints. You are putting it in their court, but you are letting them know you are interested.” Genius! Now where had that advice been all my dating life? It made so much sense!

When my friend and I finished the rest of our text conversation, I drafted a similar text to the one she suggested to send to Lorenzo. I was still hesitant. This wasn't the usual way I played things, but I was open to the change. I read over the message one more time and decided I was satisfied. Yes, I can! I thought. And with a click, I hit ‘send.’ Now it was time to wait. Let the adventure begin!

Rediscovering Butterflies

10/13/09

Kyle. I saw him across the room at a wedding and appreciated that he was still strikingly good looking. His time on the West Coast had clearly treated him well. Kyle. The nice guy. The good guy. But unlike the other guys I’d met lately, Kyle was captivating. The butterflies I had missed for many months immediately returned.

It took a while before I walked (okay, strutted) over to him. Careful, of course, not to trip over my stilettos! I greeted him with a hug and struck up a conversation. And as soon as we started talking, there were endless things to say. From our careers to our travels and the fascinating things in between, we talked nonstop until my girlfriends and the bride called me from the dance floor. Soon after, however, I found myself next to him again continuing our conversation.

The chemistry was apparent. To my friends, it was the close proximity in which we were standing or perhaps the gleam in his eye. But to me it was the electricity of his touch as his hand lightly grazed my arm. My friends were eating it up and already started in with the “Who’s he?” and the “I saw you talking to him!” and the “What are you going to do?” The typical Friend Inquisition. But they weren’t the only ones asking questions. The wheels in my mind were rapidly turning, wondering how to approach the situation. Thankfully, Decisive Diva, the logical and rational angel that often stands on my shoulder, offered a helping hand. I was ready to commit…wait. “What are you going to do? What do you want from him? Doesn’t he live on the other side of the country? Isn’t he cute though?” There she was again, crushing Decisive Diva and rearing her cute, but slightly insane head - Can’t Make Up Her Mind Mama. There I was. Stuck between what I wanted and what I perceived to be the right choice, again.

Our conversation turned to full flirtation and there we were at the crossroads. I could have allowed our brief kisses to turn into more, like the 26 year old me probably would have, but my better judgment told me to allow him to walk me to my door and end it there. Anything else would, perhaps, jeopardize what could be. This type of connection comes few and far between in my world, so I was willing to forego my fun for the possibility of something more. The next morning we exchanged hellos and then goodbyes, and in the chaos didn’t get a chance, unfortunately, to say or do anything more. I wondered if I should contact him or if he would try to contact me. Neither has happened as of yet.

Only time will tell how things will play out with Kyle. Maybe if time and space and place are on our sides and it is meant to be, our paths will cross again and we will actually see where things go. But if not, I am still grateful for this experience. After the ups and downs and all arounds of the past year, it was refreshing to actually interact with the type of man that I ultimately want and deserve. And, if nothing else, it restored my hope and faith in once again finding and feeling butterflies.

It's All About the Butterflies, Baby!

9/29/09

With a click, I logged into my account. Three new messages. I was optimistic that the changes I made to the "what I'm looking for" section of my profile led qualified candidates to apply for the Be My Man position! The first message was so horrendous that it was, in the words of Sujeiry, "HIGHlarious." The youngin' from across the globe was looking for a relationship "with love lasting forever" with " older(matured i meant) women." Huh? Apparently, I'm old. I mean, "mature." He did have an argument I couldn't knock though. Women of my certain age do know the value of a relationship. Most of us, at least. I can't blame him for trying, but a few things, clearly, got lost in translation! Fortunately for me, the following two messages were a step up and a step in the right direction.

Both guys were nice. No skankalicious screen names involving the size they wish they were. No excessive exclamations about how perfect we'd be together (you haven't met me yet, homie!). And, rivaling in importance, no errors in subject-verb agreement! What I got was straight up, polite introductions that would make their mothers proud. They were good guys. They were nice guys. However, they were not the right guys for me. The attraction and intrigue just weren't there. And then, "Click." My brain finally puts it together. Good is nice and nice is good, but what I need is butterflies.

Now, I know that butterflies alone do not a relationship make. I, like many of the ladies I know, have experienced the bitterness of the relationship that never was or the one that failed even though it started with the sweetness of butterflies. But when my reaction to a guy (online, or in person) is just, "Eh," it's probably not going to happen. Considering I already know how incredible butterflies can be, it's hard for me to get it up (metaphorically speaking, of course) for just okay.

I'm not the only one. Dana, 29, is navigating through the sea of men in the same boat as me. She recently lamented about how unenthused she was by her current prospects - all nice, but no spark. "It's always a bad sign when I plan to call a guy back and somehow five days pass by and it's still on my to do list after laundry and buying groceries! If I was really into him, I'd never let that happen! I'd be buying new clothes and eating takeout."

Nikki, 32, knew all too well what I was referring to and recalled a recent set up with a friend of a friend. "I felt bad because he really was nice, but something was just...not there. My friend couldn't believe how I just 'gave up' on such a nice guy. Maybe she thinks I'm crazy, but I'm too cute to settle for nice alone."

I agree wholeheartedly. We are definitely too cute to settle, although, even the best of us are sometimes tempted. At this point, I knew in my head I wanted butterflies. However, my heart had forgotten their flutter. I was just far enough removed from them to forget why they were worth waiting for. I felt like a kid counting down for Christmas in July. I was racked with anticipation for what I knew would eventually come, but was hard to envision. And then, I ran into Kyle.

Mr. Big Stuff and Then Some

9/15/09

I clicked on the message and read: “hey cutie how you doing? stopped by to amire that amazing smile. how was your day tell me all about.” Was that last part even a sentence? I shook my head and hoped the next message from a potential suitor would be much more promising. I was optimistic. All those happy, smiling couples walking the beach or sharing a romantic dinner started out in this same situation and they ended up together. Why couldn’t I find someone online? I moved the mouse over to the next message and clicked again.

“If I could be anything in this world...anything at all...I would be your teardrop...born in your ever-so beautiful eyes...live on your gorgeous cheeks...and die happily on your very sexy lips...Hello, how are you? What's your name? I definitely like what I see and I was hoping that we could talk and become friends” Seriously, homie?

After a slew of similar messages, I was exhausted and decided to take a few days off from the unoriginal, uninspired, and un-spell checked messages written by men with grossly inappropriate usernames. No, mrbigstuff, I don’t want you to “get to know a shawty better.”

My friend Lori was wrong; this process was nothing like online shopping! Even when I have to search a few pages for that perfect dress, at least I have ample, quality options. At this point, I felt like I was restricted to the clearance rack at the discount store! I mean, really? Is that all that is left for the confident, strong, and deserving women that we are? Men who put forth as little effort as possible to get to know us? Who don’t recognize just how fabulous we are and why they should be happy to know more about us? Men who don’t take the extra minute to make sure words are spelled correctly or to use correct punctuation (there’s spelling and grammar check for a reason)? Men who have no idea that less is more?

I have faith that it isn't, but, wow. At some point, even the flattery rationale doesn't make us feel too hopeful about our prospects. My friend, Mia, frequently uses the analogy, "It's nice to be invited to the party even if you don't want to attend," to describe her viewpoint on being approached by men she isn't interested in. Clearly, I was not sending an RSVP to the 40-plus year old guy who wanted to know about the last time I went bowling (bizarre!) just like Tara, 31, wasn’t sending one to the mid-twenty-something who only talked in text talk. Omg indeed!

My venture thus far had been quite an adventure, but I was still willing to give it a try with a little bit of tweaking. I decided to reformat my profile. Emily, 27, gave the advice of how to be more selective in my profile about things I wasn’t into in a positive way. “Instead of saying ‘no tattoos’ you might say ‘a clean cut kind of guy’ or something like that.” I took that into consideration and went back to the drawing board. Those few adjustments weren’t the only changes I made, however. I also decided to reformat my life. Rule #8 from an expert online dater I spoke with reminded me of an important point. Online dating doesn’t replace your regular social life. I needed to get out there and mix and mingle. I took that to heart and made some weekend plans. It looks like I was venturing back out onto the scene again. After all, a girl’s got to keep her options open. Put herself out there. Cast her net.

Now let’s see who bites.

Online Dating Round 1

9/1/09

Swagger? Check. Groove? Check. Now what?

Online dating?!

After getting my groove back with Green Shirt Guy, I reminded myself of the girl of my yesteryears. Like many other young twentysomethings, I frequently met and smooched my fair share of sometimes inappropriate guys without a care in my coming-home-at-the-break-of-dawn-vodka-fueled-bar-hopping world. Eventually I broke the cycle and ended up dating just one guy for a while. I realized that random lip locking all over New York City was not going to lead toward the kind of relationship I'd grown to enjoy and wanted again.

However, since life hadn’t brought me any new adventures since Green Shirt Guy, I decided to step out of my very structured, often traditional comfort zone and start dabbling in something I'd been hesitant to try in the past...online dating. Yes, you heard me, online dating. After hearing the stories of friends who either married the guy they met online or who swore it off forever, I figured the possibility of success was worth a shot. And, if worse came to worse, I'd at least collect a few more stories for my arsenal. After all, in many respects, dating is a numbers game.

My very wise friend, Brian, equated it to me like sales. You might talk with 20 or so prospective clients before you ever land a deal. With dating, you may meet 20 or so prospective boyfriends before you ever find one worthy of a first date. At least in this case, I'd have something I'd been lately lacking - options. Still, I wasn't totally ready to jump in until after a conversation with Lori, an expert online dater who is currently dating someone she met online. I expressed to her my concern that in spite of my efforts to be more open, my natural tendency is to judge when so much information is frontloaded. The bad spelling, cat lover would stand a much better chance snagging me at the bar than online since I wouldn't find out about his avoidance of spell check or Fluffy until after I was intrigued. She reassured me by comparing the experience to online shopping. Something we both were experts in! "You look at a lot of different screens. You browse a lot, but you actually only end up buying one or two." So just like with shopping, I realized I would have to be choosy about what I actually committed to and that was okay. And just like with some of my shopping purchases in the past, I will need to see just how someone works when they're in front of me.

Profile set up? Check. Now we just have to wait and see what adventure is out there for me next! Stay tuned to find out about the men who approach me online and how I respond.

Like Stella

8/11/09

I strutted back into the bar toward Green Shirt Guy. I was confident that I was going to get into a bit of a trouble. But then again, that’s what I was looking for! Now that I had my swagger back, enhanced by the fabulous goods worn underneath my little black sundress, I was on a mission to get my groove back.

Swagger is solely about you - how you feel, what you do to make yourself feel as fabulous as you are, and how you display that confidence to the world. Groove, on the other hand, is about using your swagger to scratch that itch that needs to be scratched, to handle your business, or to get your swerve on. Stella, the original cougar and namesake of getting your groove back, used her tropical escapade to seduce a much younger man and satisfy her needs. She took a page from the IHOP menu. “Come hungry. Leave happy!” As for me, I engaged in a semi-salacious encounter with a slightly younger man (Green Shirt Guy) as a final means of cutting ties with the last guy that I dated. By that point, he was out of my mind and out of my heart, but in the words of my friend, Carmen, I still needed to “get the taste of the last jerk off my lips.” And I did. A little innocent making out on the playground never hurt anyone! Perhaps I was inspired by Hooters tagline to be “delightfully tacky, yet unrefined.”

So what do you do when you haven’t gotten your groove back? First, you need to figure out what it means to you. At any given moment, we are all at different points of need. Maybe you aren’t that hard up and just need to take the Baskin Robbins approach and collect 31 numbers from 31 flavors of men. Just because you can. Or maybe it’s been a little bit longer and what you really need is to take the Burger King approach and “have it your way right away!” No matter what you decide you need, your next step is to enlist your girlfriends and make it a game or a challenge. If there is someone to hold you accountable, you’ll be more likely to go through with it! And who knows, they might need to get their grooves back too! One summer, in college, my roommate’s boyfriend of three years broke up with her. To support her in getting over him, we created a “roommate pact” in which she, and the other three of us, had to commit to making out with a guy at the local club by the end of summer. Apparently, there is safety in numbers, as we all came through, even though it took me 11 drinks and the eleventh hour!

This leads me to my next point. There’s no time like the summer! Whether it is the escalated temperatures or the fact that we are usually reduced to wearing only one article of clothing, there’s something about summer that allows us to shed our inhibitions with our sweaters. Summer is also great for weddings (which fortunately also take place in the other seasons when it is just as easy to lose your groove). They didn’t make that movie Wedding Crashers for nothing! I’m not the only one who has started a story, “This one time, at a wedding…” Jennifer, 31, comments, “If I’m not dating anyone, I don’t take a date to a wedding. It’s the perfect time to meet the groom’s single friends. Even if nothing more comes of it, at least you can have a good time!”

No matter what your situation, you can always find a way to get your groove back with your own Wedding Guy or Green Shirt Guy. Like they say at Dunkin’ Donuts, “You Can Do It!”

Reeling in Mama

8/4/09

'Do you want to go out with him? Check yes or no.' "Hmmm,” I thought. I pondered this question as I stared at the white lined paper with its ruffled edge clearly ripped from the pages of someone's spiral notebook. I picked up my purple pen and wrote in my response. Maybe.

Since 13, I have been walking the line. One foot on each side of the fence. Hedging my bets. I think it is my unyielding, need for order, not adept at going with the flow persona as indicated by a popular personality survey. It’s the only part of the survey where I clearly choose a side. In most other categories, I teeter between the worlds of being a "thinker" or a "feeler". Or as I like to call it the worlds of Decisive Diva and Can't Make Up Her Mind Momma. However, I find myself frequently caught just a little too far on the feeling side when it comes to my relationships. I make decisions with my heart rather than my head. I travel so far past the middle that I almost forget how to be as direct as I can be.

With my Decisive Diva on one shoulder, I can make clear, decisive, logical decisions when it comes to work and such But when the stakes are high and my ego, or in more extreme situations, my heart, is what's on the table, Can’t Make Up Her Mind Mama pushes Decisive Diva off my shoulder and begins whispering her tainted nothings into my ear, catapulting me down a path of indecision. She tells me that to choose means I am subject to the possibility of the Worst Case Scenario, but to remain ambivalent leaves me in “control.”

Fortunately, I started to realize that this adolescent, teetering, non-committal method just wasn't working for me and that perhaps not making up my mind was just a sign that something wasn’t quite right. Many women do this very thing and for the same reasons. When reflecting on her relationships with her current love interest as well as with her ex, Mandy, 29, concludes, “Indecision in relationships is like a caution sign. I don’t think there is major indecision when it’s truly right.” With Mandy’s ex, she found herself in a constant state of uncertainty whereas with her current guy, there is no hesitation.

My conversation with Mandy made me ponder a past relationship with a guy named Jason. After being with Jason for a few months, I knew I needed to make some decisions about where it was all going. I was hesitant, but because I really wanted to be with him, Can’t Make Up Her Mind Mama swooped in and allowed me to make excuses for his bad behavior and focus disproportionately on his good behavior. This was definitely in contrast to other situations with guys I only sorta kinda wanted to be with. In those cases, Decisive Diva totally took over and swiftly severed ties. From this, I could only draw the conclusion that my indecision with Jason was definitely a caution sign. I further concluded that this behavior, on my part, was something that needed to change. And, as any good self help book, leading psychologist, or psych major will tell you, the first step to change is admittance.

So, I started with acknowledging the behavior. As I thought about it a little more deeply, I figured out that regardless of whether I stood on the fence or jumped to a side, the end result would be the same. If it was meant to be, it would be. Since I was always an advanced student, I figured I could skip a couple of steps in my modified 12 step program to where I learn to live a new life with a new behavior and help others who also suffer from my same compulsion, which is where you find me now: ready, willing, and able to try. I'm ready to embrace the way Carla, 30, approaches her relationships. Even when she truly cares about a guy, if she knows they are not the one, she ends it rather than playing the ‘should I or shouldn’t I’ game.

Since this revelation, I haven't had the chance to allow Decision Diva to reel in Can’t Make Up Her Mind Mama a bit more. However, I’m confident that when faced with the grown up version of 'check yes or no’ in which the notebook paper has been replaced with a text message, the purple pen with a Blackberry, and the question is about Thursday night drinks or something more serious, I will confidently, and decisively, choose either 'yes' or 'no' and let 'maybe' linger behind the scenes with my Mama.

Circumcise Your Need to Try

7/21/09

“Circumcision…it’s just like opening a bottle of wine. You have to unwrap the foil to get to the cork.” What the…I overheard this conversation on a lively ride on the train out to the beach a few weekends ago. My fingers couldn’t text the transcript of the conversation fast enough to my girlfriends who promptly texted back ‘LOL.’ This, my friends, is a case of what happens when guys try too hard to impress a girl. Overeager behavior leads to diarrhea of the mouth, which leads to comments like this being put out into the universe. The poor girl on the other end of this conversation eked out a giggle as she silently wished she would have put her iPod in her ears and ignored him in the first place.

While this even provided me (and my friends) a chuckle, it probed me to think about the instances in which we ladies are also guilty of trying too hard to get a guy’s attention. It may not involve cheesy lines, random comments, or game-less banter, but the outcome of coming off a little scary, is the same. After all, what man wants a woman to tell him about the number of children she wants to have within five minutes of meeting him?

Although I’ve never reached that extent of self-exposure, I have been guilty of working a little too hard to get to know someone who should have been working that hard to get to know me. I met the real estate broker one hot and steamy summer night at a going away party at a bar. He was cute enough and our conversation was interesting enough. Not quite the intense connection I had experienced with others in the past, but because I was particularly bored and lonely at the time, it seemed like a good idea to kick my “game” into high gear. I hung around his crew of friends for most of the evening, forcing conversation when necessary, in hopes of saying something so witty that he would instantly fall for me. I “conveniently” managed to find him on the other side of the bar after he was nowhere to be found when I returned from my trip to the bathroom. I even broke my cardinal rule and took his card even after I told him “I didn’t call boys.” And to make matters even worse, when making sure he would remember my name when I called (red flag right there!), I traced the letters of my name on his chest with my index finger. Rather than showing my mysterious, yet alluring side, I showed my it’s-been-a-long-time-and-I-want-any-boy-to-call me side. Even today, I’m still slightly embarrassed at my behavior and can only use my youth as a means of justifying my behavior.

As a result, I’ve come to discover over the years that the times where I met my most promising and viable suitors were when I wasn’t even paying attention. The night I met Rick, I was running late (the result of a hair crisis!) to meet my friend Marisa at a party. An ex-friend with benefits of hers was there and she needed me to be her wing girl. In the midst of making the ex-FWB jealous, by talking up how fabulous our lives were, I struck up a conversation with Rick. Before I knew it, our simple conversation had transitioned to a flirtatious banter and we were off to a bar together with canoodling to ensue shortly after.

So, what do you do to avoid become “verbal diarrhea boy” or “throw yourself at him girl” especially when you are bored, lonely, vulnerable, or in a drought? How can you “not pay attention” when all you really need is a little attention and can’t focus your attention on anything else? As hard as it may be (trust me, I know), focus on everything else! Be naturally interesting and engaging because your life is full with family, friends, and fun. Find validation in taking care of you. But don’t forget. You’ve still got too flirt! Appropriately, of course. Put yourself out there. Challenge yourself to go outside of your comfort zone, but stay true to you. When you least expect it, what you need will find you.

Swagger Like Us

7/7/09

Since sexy never left me, I never had to bring it back. My swagger, however, has been misplaced from time to time. Whether it was spurred by a bad hair day, a bad work day, or a bad boy day, there have been times where I’ve had to reckon with how to get my swagger back. Over the years, I’ve tried a number of things until I found my ultimate antidote.

In high school, with no money of my own to spend, my remedy was exercise. I remember getting a gym membership for Christmas and starting my workout regimen soon after the New Year. I loved the post-run rush, but even more I loved how my muscles looked as I admired them in the mirror.

As exercise became a regular part of my life, I needed a new substitute. So in college, I took to shopping with the little bit of money I made from my part time job. A new tube top here. A new short skirt there. Little tokens of my affection from me to me! As I walked in my clunky wedges (hey, it was the late 90’s!) to the parties, they gave me a strut in my step.

When I became a grown up girl with a grown up girl job (and thus grown up girl funds), I moved on to massages. This indulgence made me feel like a million dollars without it costing a million dollars. When I felt rested and relaxed, I knew I could take on the world.

In the past 3 years, when all of the above became standard how-I-take-care-of-me components of my life, I need something else to fill in the gap. What was a girl to do? For me, it became as simple as slipping on my favorite Freya set under anything from a T-shirt and sweatpants to a party dress. Yes, homies, I'm talking about lingerie (or as Jamie Foxx’s character Wanda from In Living Color would say with her lips poked out, “ling-er-ee.”) Not the peek-a-boo wedding night numbers, but beautifully crafted and exquisitely designed bras and panties that flatter all of your assets. To wear quality pieces that not only provide you support but also look amazing on your body gives you a certain spring in your step and stature to your posture. And even if you aren’t wearing anything special on the outside, your little secret on the inside is just fabulous! No one will know why you ooze the confidence you do.

I’ve spent a pretty penny on this indulgence, but why not? I’m worth the splurge. My swagger is an investment and so is yours! (If you want to know more about the specific pieces that I love or the numerous other glamorous options for women that look like you, check out The Lingerie Post. Here you can find the latest and greatest on all things lingerie – it’s not just nighties and negligees. And I would know as one of TLP’s correspondents!).

So keep this in mind, ladies. The key to reclaiming your swagger is about finding what works for you. If it makes you feel indulgent, empowered, confident, sexy, special, and swaggerlicious, then do it. Remember, your swagger is not about him. If he notices or appreciates, that’s the cherry on top of the delectable hot fudge sundae that is your fabulous life!

Almost Right

6/23/09

As we used a key to pry the camera battery from the confines of the charger, I started thinking about those situations in life that were like this battery, almost right, but not quite. In this case, all the evidence pointed toward Alisha’s dead battery trying to revive itself in my conveniently available charger. I mean, both of our cameras were Canons and the batteries were the same shape, so naturally my foresight was going to save the day. But rather than click into place, as my battery did, Alisha’s battery didn’t quite fit. She pushed and shoved and finally the battery lodged itself into place, yet it didn’t light up. Despite all the pushing and shoving and forcing, the connection just wasn’t right.

Instantly, the wheels in my chaotic brain started churning and I was reminded of a past relationship that was much like this battery. All the evidence pointed toward it working, toward it clicking into place. Our shared love of all things college sports and our mutual desire to travel the world were just the beginning. But just like that battery, no matter how much I forced things, it still wasn’t the right connection. No amount of pushing and shoving would make him spend more time with me or call me more or be the type of man I needed in my life. Michelle, 31, could also relate. Carlos was nice enough, smart enough, and cute enough, but deep down she knew there was something missing. Her desire to have a boyfriend led her to keep him around past his expiration date. She tried everything in her power to make him “right,” but soon realized that trying to make her “almost right” relationship right was like finding a fabulous pair of stilettos in a 7 ½ and attempting to squeeze your size 8’s into them. Not a clear and obvious misfit. Close, but just not right.

The moral of these stories, whether it’s a battery or a shoe or a relationship, is if the fit was right, you wouldn’t have to force it! So what’s this mean for us? Well, it begs us to figure out when to cut our losses. When to finally find a key and pry the battery out of the charger. When to at last accept that having no circulation in your toes isn’t sexy no matter how sexy your shoes are. When to realize that no matter how much time you give it, almost right is never going to be enough so you should move on already.

For Crystal, 28, it was the moment she realized that as much as she loved Kevin, she wasn’t in love with him. She didn’t want to spend her life without finding the kind of love she thought she deserved so she broke things off with him. To her, a lifetime of almost right would be like that almost right swimsuit. Adorable, but the cut reveals just a little too much of your goodies for free.

The Wedding Inquisition

6/9/09

“So why didn’t you go out for the bouquet toss?”

“What about that groomsman? He seems nice.”

“I can’t believe you’re not married yet!”

“Shouldn’t you be getting a ring soon?”

“Where’s your special someone?”

“Don’t worry. You won’t be single forever.”

“Maybe you should just propose to him.”

If you’re a single woman of a certain age, then you’ve probably put on your share of 27 Dresses, and you’ve almost certainly heard these. The questions. The comments. The verbal assaults about your love life (or lack their of!). On the most important day of your friend’s life, somehow the attention has shifted to you. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this the bride’s big day? So, what’s a girl to do?

All I ever want to do at weddings is celebrate the love my dear friend has found, sip some champagne, and dance until the last dance. Meeting a handsome stranger would be the icing on my single girl cake. So by the time I put on my 16th dress and slid into my black patent pumps, I was about sick of the inquisition and not in the mood for any relatives, let alone strangers, to be all up in my grill! Particularly about things they know nothing about. At the time I heard, “Why didn’t you go out for the bouquet toss?” from a family acquaintance (i.e. not a friend), the wounds were still fresh from a previous relationship. Being reminded of my back-at-square-one-do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-$200 status stung. Needless to say, I was seething, but couldn’t come up with a PG-rated response that could be spoken in front of my grandmother! I simply smiled and said I preferred hanging out with my nephew.

The knife to the heart pains were also experienced by Kelly, 31, when she was sitting next to a couple at a wedding as the guests filed in. The photographer came by to take a photo and asked to take a picture. When Kelly moved in closer to be in the photo, the photographer replied, “Oh you want to be in the picture?” Ouch.

So, what is it about weddings that make people think that with a cream-colored, calligraphy-lettered invitation comes an open invitation for their probing and prodding into your business? Perhaps it’s misguided good intentions of people who only want for you what they think you deserve. Perhaps it’s this societal notion that to still be single at a certain age is a crime against nature and if you haven’t reached married status you are in some way flawed. Or, perhaps it is some complicated mixture of both.

Regardless of the reason, we need to find a way to address the issue. My theory is that the questions won’t stop until we start providing answers that will halt the line of questioning. I’m going to go with the old standby that honesty is the best policy, whatever that means for you. Be empowered to tell your critics exactly what’s on your mind. Whether it is a witty quip or a statement about the other fabulous facets of your life, let them know.

“I guess I didn’t notice. I was telling someone about my promotion.”

“I’m just not that into him.”

“I can’t believe I haven’t traveled to Paris yet!”

“I haven’t met my match yet.”

“We’re in no rush. We’re enjoying this phase of our relationship right now.”

“My special someone is at home. I didn’t think dogs were allowed in the church.”

“I know. I’m worth the wait.”

“Is that what you did?”

Older and Wiser?

5/24/09

“I have no regrets now that the relationship has dissipated. I said all that was in my heart, those burdens lifted. And I wouldn’t take a moment of it back. Because among the bad, there was good… I know what I am [and am not] looking for[in a relationship].Yes, we should have made it, but I can no longer entertain the idea of what would have happened then. Just like I cannot dwell on how the story would have gone if perhaps our paths had been closer in the beginning.”

Oh to be 25 and enlightened! As I look back at this excerpt of one of my first articles, I think about how I thought my life experiences had made me so wise. True, I had made some valid points. I had reflected on my previous relationship and was looking forward all the wiser. I knew what I wanted and what I was looking for. Or so I thought. However, a few years later, I found myself in the same situation in a different relationship. Older? Yes. Wiser? Apparently not.

So how is it that I, a strong, independent, confident woman, could go from knowing exactly what (and who) I was looking for, to going down a path of learning the same lesson again? It’s simple. In my attempt to block out painful memories of my past, I also blocked out the lessons I learned as a result. So when I was confronted with the same situation, warning signs, and red flags, I reverted back to the girl I was before that first experience and had to learn my lesson. Again. This time, for good.

While going down that same path a second time, I made a valuable observation about the past. We all have things we’d rather forget but those are the things that aid us in making informed decisions about our present and future. And while we shouldn’t dwell in our past, we also shouldn’t throw it out completely or ignore it, even the parts that truly sucked or, upon reflection, make us want to gag, crawl into a hole, scream. I also don’t think we should feel the need to sound all enlightened (cue the angel music and halos!) and claim we have no regrets. Regrets are okay. No, we wouldn’t be where we are without them, but yes, those moments were really awkward/uncomfortable/sucky and we probably would change them if we could! As my friend Allison, 30, so eloquently phrased it, “What a load of crap! There's a boatload of things I'd undo. Yes, I learned from them, but I think I'd probably still have ended up right here had I not made some of those bad decisions.”

We talk so much about the past we want to forget, but what about the past we want to reclaim? Truly becoming older and wiser is about being reflective. Remembering those troublesome events of the past and the lessons learned accordingly, but also holding on to the optimism and perseverance of iur youth. Personally, I’m reclaiming the spirit of the 25 year old me who said:

“But that’s the thing about life. It takes you on a journey that you can never prepare for ahead of time, but equips you with the tools to handle it one day at a time. Although you might not be where you planned, you are exactly where you need to be even if you cannot see, feel, or understand the reasons why.”

I didn’t have all the answers and still have a lot to learn, but I have always hoped that I possess everything within myself to figure it all out. And while I may have forgotten that for a while, I have it again. Older and wiser? As long as I hold on to my lessons, I will be.

Connect the Heart

5/12/09

Our eyes met and locked in a gaze that lingered longer than expected. Strangers passing in a crowded room don’t usually do that. I was intrigued. My heart skipped a beat as Terrence decided against following his friends into the sea of bodies in motion and instead offered his hand and hello to me before I departed.

In spite of this initial spark, within a few weeks, our flame fizzled. All the sparks in the world couldn’t make him the kind of guy who called when he should and who followed through on the plans we made. And it couldn’t make him not confuse me for someone else (another girl he was talking to, I assume). How, you wonder? Perhaps it was the fact that in numerous conversations he kept mentioning my “love for Brooklyn.” Funny as I’d only crossed the East River into Brooklyn only once at this point!

With Matt, our first encounter started off in almost the same way except we kept our attraction under wraps for a little longer. We’d exchanged glances for about an hour before we finally were in close enough proximity to exchange words. From that moment on, it was as if no one else in the room existed. I wanted to absorb everything that was him – his words, his scent, his touch. But that pesky thing called distance and our 25 year old immaturity prevented us from pursuing anything further. However, our connection was so strong that months later when we ran into each other again, it was impossible to even pretend to be coy or front like the chemistry wasn’t still there! Within minutes we were seated side by side, fingers entwined, ignoring the world, having eyes only for each other.

This close encounter of the sequel kind was fun while it lasted, but in the weeks following the rekindling of our flame, I realized that it wasn’t distance alone keeping us from a relationship. It was the fact that we were just different people on different paths wanting different things in the years ahead. About a year after that, when I randomly ran into him and his girlfriend at the time, I also discovered another reason we would never make it as a couple. He needed someone who needed him more than I ever could. The fact that he didn’t like to shake it on the dance floor as much as I do was another point of contention!

Then, there was Jason. Jason and I had more than enough in common. And just like Jerry Maguire said, he had me at hello! I was hooked. I thought for sure that our intense, can’t-get-enough-of-each-other chemistry would develop into something more significant the first time. But it didn’t. Perhaps I came on too strong or he was too distracted by his first year practicing law. Or, perhaps it was the distance. I never asked. Instead, the glutton for punishment that I am, tested the waters again years later and thought this time would be different. My heart told me no (if it was suppose to work, it would have the first time!), but my mind, intoxicated by the smell of his cologne, made my body remember how it felt when he was near. The butterflies in my stomach. The tingle that migrated up my spine when his hand merely grazed my face. My mind and body tag teamed my heart and convinced it to say yes. To go down this unknown path with him again.
For whatever his reasons, he didn’t want to commit to me. And after running the relationship through my head a billion times and asking my friends the questions I wanted to ask him, I finally made peace with the situation. I came to the understanding that there is someone out there that is better suited to me. Someone with whom I’ll share not only a physical connection, but a mental, emotional, and spiritual connection as well.

The moral of my not-so-fairy tales – chemistry alone does not a relationship make. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think you can have a relationship without it. I see it as the glue that holds all of the other pieces together. Without it, aren’t you just friends? However, the key is to not let your intense connection cloud or skew your judgments. Keep your eyes open to see him for all of what he is including his flaws, his differences. Be aware of deal breakers and signs that you aren’t meant to be. Be with the one who embraces you for everything that you are and everything you are not. The one who returns your phone calls, knows which boroughs you’ve been to, and finds your independence exhilarating. Be with the one who makes you a priority because you are so worthy!