To Commit or Not to Commit: Is that Really the Question?

We are all at varying stages on the relationship continuum between super single and very much married with most of us charting a course through the expansive and sometimes treacherous middle. And believe me, there can be some rough seas to navigate with each one being slightly different than the other. You are in the middle and so is he, but don’t be fooled into thinking that just because you are both there, that you are anywhere near each other!

For instance, there are the ones that are emotionally unavailable and the ones that are noncommittal. They both are attracted to you. They both spent time with you. But they both are operating in the “fun zone.” And they both, for their own reasons, are not rejecting you, but merely the idea of you. While they might seem to have some similarities and some may exhibit characteristics of both, there is a difference.

Why tell the difference? That depends on you and where you are sailing your ship. Does he fit into your plan for fun alone or are do you require a little more? For fun alone, the differences are menial so either will suffice. Need a little more attention, feeling, or potential? Depending on the level of what you need, distinguishing the difference is important. It’s like the difference between Smirnoff and Absolut. If it’s merely about satisfying your fix, pick your poison. About more? Go with Absolut, but neither is Grey Goose.

How do you tell the difference? Here are only a few ways, but know that there are more.

The emotionally unavailable guy has a fear of the “g-word” – girlfriend. Anything that would remotely suggest that you would have any attachment to him beyond that evening is avoided. Perhaps you have already given the disclaimer that you aren’t the girl trying to convert him to boyfriend status, but his fear does not allow him to grasp the concept.

The non committal guy does not fear the labels or associations even though he isn’t necessarily on the girlfriend train. He understands the disclaimer, but may or may not give you what you need for where you are.

The emotionally unavailable guy will not hold your hand as a means of showing his interest in you. In his mind, this seemingly innocent act is equated with coupledom. He might, in the solitude of the world you two share, pull you close or play with your hair, but in front of friends – forget it! Furthermore, beware. He will catch and adjust his behavior if he does do anything appearing to be affectionate in front of them.

The non committal guy does not mind holding hands - and will. After all, between the two of you, you know the boundaries and the rules despite what anyone else thinks, which is why he has no problem being affectionate. You know that it can mean something without meaning everything and that something can vary according to what is comfortable for you.

The emotionally unavailable guy wants to make it abundantly clear that he is not staying. He is not sticking around to become a part of your life. He keeps his shoes on. He sleeps on top of the covers. He hovers in his own space. His actions speak louder than his words. In your own space, you think, “Stay a while. I won’t think you are my boyfriend if you stay for a while.”

The non committal guy will stay and will be close in physical proximity. After all, the boundaries are clear and you both know that it is what it is.

The emotionally unavailable guy has a phone phobia – except at 2 a.m.! Prior to that hour, his phone only seems to have the text messaging feature. Conversations during daylight hours require some investment and inquiry into your life and that would require the slightest bit of emotion, so it is not in the realm of what he is able to give.

The noncommittal guy does not have issues with calling, but this is not a guarantee that he will. He realizes, as do you, that strings are not attached.

The decision depends on you. You might choose to go along with one, the other, or none at all, but at least you are informed. I know me and I know I like emotion and the less hurdles I have to jump over the better. Although I am in no rush to go prancing down any aisles anytime soon, I’ll opt for non committal any day because while I can’t be with him right now, perhaps one day his non committal and my semi committal can meet somewhere in the middle.

Strength

While being strong is often viewed as a great gift, it can also be a source of downfall. I have spent my life having to be the strong one, or at least thinking that I had to be. From childhood, when I believed I had to be the strong one and hold the family together, until now, where I am not only the strong one for others, but for myself as well.

The thing is – when you are strong – people notice. They admire and respect your ability to handle whatever obstacles life places in your path. They attempt to emulate your composure and resilience. However, they also assume that you are like a superhero and somehow handle everything. You know the truth. There are some things that are beyond even you. At the end of the day, you are still a mere mortal and there are things in which you wish you could be supported from outside of yourself. But when you are the strong one all the time, you lack the ability to know how to ask for what you need or fear appearing week. Regardless, alone, you trudge your hills and fight your battles.

Just because you are strong and capable and have learned to be self reliant, doesn’t mean that you don’t need consoling. Just because you aren’t needy doesn’t mean that you don’t want a shoulder to cry on when the levees of your soul finally give. You too have pains of your past that resurface and burdens that bear on your heart. You too would rather conquer the beast rather than build up the walls that you have used to protect yourself in the past.

True strength can only exist when you have enough to give. Having enough to give requires the vulnerability of trusting another to lend you the support you need when you need it. So hold on to your strength, but not so tightly that you squeeze out your ability to ask for help or that you do not give yourself permission to be helped when the weight of the world is beyond you.

Questions and Answers

In the midst of all these Hollywood make ups and break ups, I sometimes wonder, is it all worth it? Then, I look to my sources of true inspiration, those a part of my network of friends and family, and remember why it truly is. Away from the glitz and glamour, relationships are allowed to grow, develop, and flourish, without the piercing and prying lens of the microscope.

Being a single woman in her mid to late 20’s you often get bombarded with questions about the status of (or lack there of) your relationship. “When are you getting married?” “Why aren’t you married yet?” “Are you dating anyone?” “Why not?” It’s as if some of these people forget what it is like. It’s as if because you want something it is supposed to magically appear. They also seem to forget that there is a screening process. Just because you are not dating anyone doesn’t mean that you are a hermit or have one foot in the door of the convent! If you are anything like the ladies I know, you are meeting lots of guys, many who lack the quality you deserve so they fail to make it past square one.

I’ve never been the “boyfriend girl” so it didn’t occur to me until talking with a friend that those of us who are single and dating someone also feel the pressure. “Do you think you’ll be engaged soon?” “Where will the wedding be?” “Do you think you’ll have kids?” Slow down! Just because you have been with someone a substantial amount of time doesn’t mean you are sure or ready for the next level of commitment. Why settle if you are not certain? Why rush when the only time frame that matters is the one that allows you ample time to make the right decision about who will share your future?

In addition to the inquisition, you also are bombarded with a barrage of advice. Some good. Some not so good. A lot of people tell you to enjoy and experience your youth. While it might sound cliché to do these things to better who you are and make you more aware of yourself, there is some truth and value to this. When else in life will you have the chance to travel the world, sleep in late on a Saturday, or stay out until 4 am with your best gal pals. You don’t want to enter a more settled phase of life without having maximized all there is to experience in the phase where you are.

You must have lives as individuals before you can have lives together. How can you share a life if you have nothing to bring to the table? How can you build a life if you have no foundation of your own?

So to all of you left in my single, twenty-something boat, enjoy the fact that you can experience life, make mistakes, try again and repeat until you finally get it right without the watchful eye of the camera. Relish the fact that you will have lived the life you desired to live and become the person you needed to become in your own real world. And as for the questions, answer them by making your decisions with confidence and owning the fabulous life you have established for yourself.