My Phone, My Life

The telephone. Since my adolescent years, it has been both friend and foe, most particularly when it comes to that dreaded task of calling a boy. I have always hated calling boys. And even as the boys have grown into men (well, age wise at least!), part of me is still that young girl that hates calling boys.

Despite the fact that the twelve year old me, and even the twenty year old me, hated calling boys, I still had a process. In the days of the landline phone, I’d press the first few numbers with my self-painted, deep purple nails and hang up. Breathe. Dial five digits. Hang up. What if? I’d question my motives, my intentions. Finally, I’d get to the last digit, and again, quickly click the phone off before I heard a dial tone. I’d do some type of confidence boosting words of affirmation, dial all the way through, and wait. Will he answer? Leave a message or not.

As I grew into womanhood, I traded my landline for a cell phone and my self-painting for my standard, pale pink mani at the salon. And even though now is an age of text messages, instant messages, and other similar forms of messages, I’m still old fashioned. I’m a calling girl. I like to call and I like receive calls. Not that I need long conversations, but I like to know that the effort is there. With this new technology of today, and the ability to have numbers stored in cell phones, gone are the days of dial-hang up-and-dial-again. That, and with age and wisdom, all I need now to call is one confidence booster and a few sips of wine to hit send.

Now is also different when it comes to the end of the road, no matter how short it may have been. Then, you had to train your brain to forget the 10 digits making up the number you had so deeply engrained in your brain. Then, you couldn’t just hit delete and eliminate existence. So this elimination has its own process.

Whether he is someone who proves himself to be crazy or someone who just fizzles out of my life, there comes a time when he needs to be deleted from my phone. When he’s reached his expiration date. As I scroll down to his name and I hit “Options,” then “Erase.” Then it asks, are you sure? In most cases, I am for sure and gone is the number and with it the individual. But some are harder to let go than others. Crazy guy. No problem. The guy who consumed much of my energy during my college days, much more difficult. Was I sure? Was I ready to rid my life of him forever? Sure he had not been the man I needed him to be and I knew it was in my best interest to let him go, but was I sure? Attached to him were so many more memories. So many more feelings. Eventually, I was sure, and then, he was gone. But all situations aren’t black and white. There are those guys in the gray area in the middle. I know I am over him and no longer have use for him in my phone. What I really want is to let him know that! That I am over him. That I am taking him out of my mind, out of my phone, out of my life!

However, my telephone has been my friend and brought me joy. There are those initial phone calls that have lasted for hours. Those numbers I was eager to type in and hit “Save.” Where my telephone shall take me in the future I don’t know, but I’m hoping for the one I’ll love to call and the number I’ll never want to forget.

After the Rain

The following flashback is composed of excerpts of my thoughts jotted down on scraps of paper, napkins, and whatever other surface I could find to write on as I ventured through a particularly difficult time in my life. A time rarely spoken of, and not explicitly written about, until now. A time from which I grew tremendously into the strong, courageous woman that I am. As you know, I strive to bring an honest prospective, so even when it can be uncomfortable, or even painful, to write, I do it anyway. Not just for me, but for you who value my ability to keep it honest and keep it real.

I think back on the most significant relationship of my life so far – and even it wasn’t that significant in retrospect. It was supposed to be though. It had all the makings of a fairy tale. Initially. But I should have known as it slowly began to unravel…

No more broken promises, empty conversations, or shattered dreams. No expectations for encounters never to come into fruition. In some way, it’s kind of freeing. No wasted tears over what should have and could have been…

How can something that felt so right now feel so wrong? How can words that carried so much meaning now be reduced to empty conversation? How can something constant and built to last now be so transient and crumbling at my feet? How can I pick up the pieces and now rebuild my heart when its pieces are scattered?

I have no regrets now that the relationship has dissipated. I said all that was in my heart, those burdens lifted. And I wouldn’t take a moment of it back. Because among the bad, there was good. Among the aching hearts and weeping eyes, there were fluttering hearts and joyful smiles. And what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And further, I know more of that what it is (and isn’t) that I am really looking for. Yes, we should have made it, but I can no longer entertain the idea of what would have happened then. Just like I cannot dwell on how the story would have gone if perhaps our paths had been closer in the beginning.

I wish he could have told me what he was thinking and feeling. I wish he would have turned toward me instead of away – but he didn’t. And maybe I will never know the hows or whys. I need to be strong enough in myself to not need those answers because no matter what they are, the situation doesn’t change. Where am I to go from here? As long as I take those good and beautiful things inside of me, I will find a place where I will be appreciated and loved. And although I shouldn’t, I still have this deep and latent hope that one day, he gets it back – all the tears and fears and pain. I hope he wakes up one day realizing he gave up something wonderful – never to get back again. I mean, it would be fair after all…

Honesty is the most beautiful of all virtues. It is through it that we are free to be. I say, do not tip toe on eggshells around me, stomp if you must. Better to have the truth and temporary heartache, than half truths and lies and eternal burning questions about the unknown.

To My Friend

This flashback is circa 1998, right before I left for college, and was written for my wonderful friends who are still such a large part of my life today.

It seems like only yesterday
That we would go and play.
Young. Innocent. Naive.
And now it is the time to leave.
Time to say farewell, goodbye.
One last laugh and one last cry.
We've grown so close, we've shared so much.
I know we'll always keep in touch.
You know I wish you all the best.
Luck, love, happiness, and all the rest.
Our time together has now come to an end.
Remember me always my dear, true friend.
I'll try to be strong, it's not easy you see.
Because you mean so much to me.